Look, there is certainly a case to be made as to why you should absolutely not marry your high school sweetheart and they’re probably all valid points. Originally I didn’t even agree with my own headline here but after some thinking I came around to the fact that we all should have just settled with our high school sweethearts. Great, now on to me giving you a bit of unnecessary pressure on your current relationship and making you question if you made a mistake by letting that one get away.
1. YOU COULD (WILL) GET VERY UGLY
The main strategy in buying stocks is to purchase them at a low cost and hope they blossom into a massively popular quantity. By marrying your high school sweetheart, you’re definitely taking a risk, but it’s a risk that may very much be worth it. Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker’s first offer on Deal or No Deal. Sure it may not be the highest offer you’ll be given, but how many people have walked away with only a few hundred bucks? Plus, there’s a moderate chance your partner will age incredibly well and get even more attractive, while you could look like an ogre by the time you’re 27. If you had just locked someone down early you wouldn’t have to worry about all this. Is that messed up? Probably! But at least you wouldn’t have been forever alone, right?
2. ALL YOUR DATING MEMORIES WOULD BE WITH EACH OTHER
Have you ever started talking about a memorable date you had with your current partner only to realize it was actually a date you had with someone else? That’s a fight you’re not going to win. If you had just married the person that sat next to you in 9th grade social studies you would’ve eliminated that problem forever.
3. THERE WOULD BE NO CRAZY EXES TO DEAL WITH
Now this doesn’t necessarily just mean your partner’s crazy exes, because dealing with your own can be just as bad, if not worse. You would never have to avoid half the room at a party because an ex that didn’t leave on the best terms is lingering on the other side, or worry that they’ll decide to send your current partner suggestive photos of you that you regretted taking the moment the camera flashed. I’ve never seen a study done on it, but I would almost guarantee high school sweethearts have blocked way less people on Facebook than those with dozens of unfavorable exes. Let’s see those numbers, Zuckerberg.
4. YOU WOULD HAVE THE SAME BACKGROUND
You meet the love of your life, but you’re from Boston and she’s from Arizona. Where do you have the wedding without making one of your families travel across the entire country? And forget about those awkward parental meet and greets because they’ve known each other since 1991. Most importantly you’d both have the same accents so you’d never feel weird when your partner laughs at how you pronounce the word “thistle.”
5. YOU’D NEVER HAVE TO HAVE THE “NUMBERS” CONVO
Do you really want to sit down and have your partner ramble off the surprisingly lengthy list of everyone she’s ever slept with? Plus, if you were really bad at sex, your partner wouldn’t have even known it because it’s the only sex they’d ever had. You’d have basically monopolized bad sex and, therefore, turn it into the greatest sex that has ever existed.
6. YOU CAN FOCUS ON THINGS OTHER THAN RELATIONSHIPS
How many times have you seen a co-worker struggle at their job and sometimes even lose their job because they’re so focused on a messy breakup or spending too much time looking for a new relationship? Not a problem if you would’ve finished that part of your life early. College can be about education instead of partying. Your early twenties can be about traveling and not worrying about all those beloved lost hoodies. And your career can be about your career instead of trying to get a hand jibber in the supply closet. You can’t put a price on that.
7. YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER HAD TO DOWNLOAD A DATING APP
Tinder is a rotting cesspool filled with cretins and ghouls.
8. YOUR KIDS WOULD’VE MOVED OUT SOONER
Some people wait to have kids because they want to enjoy their independence first, but when you’re younger, you’re dumb and broke. If you’d had your kids early you could’ve loved and nourished them for 18 years and had them off to college before you even hit your 40s. Then you would have already experienced parental life and you could have turned their room into a gym you’d never use or a sex den or whatever your heart desires because you’d be kid free AND you have a savings account!
9. YOU’D HAVE ALREADY SEEN EACH OTHER IN YOUR MOST AWKWARD STAGES
You know how there’s that time period when you first start dating someone where you give them the highlight reel and hide all the goblin-like qualities about yourself? This person knew you when you were 15, covered in acne, and thought My Chemical Romance was the greatest band that ever existed. If they could love you through that nightmare, they could have loved you through absolutely anything.
10. THERE’S A 50/50 SHOT YOU’RE GOING TO GET DIVORCED ANYWAY
Look, even if you do everything the way people tell you, it’s still a coin flip as to whether or not you guys will make it, so why did you not lock down an early draft pick and hope for the best? Worst case scenario you’d end up divorced and alone in your mid 30s with no idea how to date or approach the opposite sex, only seeing your children on the weekend, living in a one-bedroom apartment on the bad side of town because every penny you bring in goes towards child support, custody hearings, and alimony to your ex. Other than that, what could possibly have gone wrong?