I disagree with you. I understand where you’re coming from, but I believe you’re mistaken, and I’ll explain why you are wrong.

First of all, the data backs up my point. I have facts out the waz. Your data are flawed, old, biased or incomplete. The people who collected your data are in prison for fraud or took funding from an evil billionaire who lives in a castle on a mountain where there is always lightning. My facts are bulletproof. They were gathered by humble grass roots researchers who love America and hate cancer. You can be forgiven for not having the same information that I do. People on “your side” don’t like to discuss data that annihilate their arguments. Now let this chart hammer-punch some sense into you.

You can’t argue with these numbers!

More important than the data, though, is that my argument is just. I can see why you made the argument that you did, but you’re forgetting a whole host of injustices, tragedies and “Raiders of the Lost Ark” style flying specters that would be loosed upon millions of people if you had your way. What I’m saying is that the moral arc of the universe bends towards my argument.



History has proved me correct on this point time and time again. From the Bible to the Renaissance to the Depression and WWII, my point was cemented repeatedly by real events and real people who suffered under the regimes of dogmatic fools like you. There are several authors who have made the very point I am making more eloquently than I have, and you can buy their books and read them in your spare time, which I suggest you do, because right now you’re uneducated and just talking out your butt.

I shall now appeal to authority by quoting a philosopher who agrees with my premise, thereby wrapping my argument in the wisdom of the ages. Yes, I said a philosopher—a guy who gets paid to sit around all day and think about stuff like this. Are you a philosopher? No? You don’t spend all day thinking about stuff? What’s that? This topic isn’t in your area of expertise at all? Just checking. Because my guy was thinking hard with his brain his whole life about stuff like this, and he agrees with me.

I should also mention—and it absolutely pains me to say this—that there are crazy people who agree with what you have to say. I’m not saying you’re crazy. I’m saying they’re crazy. But you’re both saying the same thing. Draw your own conclusions as to what this means.

And let us not forget that recent tragedy that was completely the fault of people of your ilk. It enraged the nation, and we all know it could have been prevented if the policies you agree with were not in place.

While your argument is completely incorrect, I do agree with you on one small, meaningless point. Doing so gives me some upper hand, because I now appear to be the more magnanimous party. No, I don’t see how it connects with the rest of your point. If anything, it bolsters mine. And, again, wasn’t it generous of me to reinforce my point with empty praise?

I think, in time, my friend, you will come to see the facts and agree with me. It’s just a matter of being exposed to the right thinkers, writers and life situations. It’s not your fault that you’re ignorant. You grew up in a certain part of the country. Everyone thinks the same there. I’m not blaming you. If anything, you’re one of the smart ones from there. I can’t blame you for not being enlightened like I am. You’re a victim of whatever it is that makes people think like you do.

Let’s just agree to disagree, but let’s also agree that I’m more right.

Joe Donatelli is the Sex & Culture Editor of Playboy.com. Twitter: @joedonatelli.