Oh, to be in love, with an electronic device. While there’s no way to enter a civil union with a laptop, or share health insurance benefits with a laptop, or co-sign a lease with a laptop, there are still many ways to love your laptop. Many out there don’t even realize the level of emotions they’re feeling. They think, oh, I like my laptop as a friend. My laptop is nice and reliable and has retina display – but they don’t realize that they’re actually, literally soul mates, and they’re actually in a relationship. If you’re one of these doofuses who is completely oblivious to love, here are some signs that you’re pretty much dating your laptop.
1. Your laptop is the last thing you see every night. On most evenings, you should’ve been asleep a couple of hours ago, but instead you’ve chosen to stare into the glowing, beautiful screen, scrolling through things and caressing its keys.
2. Your laptop is the first thing you see every morning. You wake up, but you don’t go for your phone where messages from real life people might exist, you go for the trusty laptop first to see what strangers have said on the internet.
3. You and your laptop know how to press each other’s buttons. You know how to press your laptop’s buttons (like the ones on its keyboard) and your laptop knows how to press your buttons (like by freezing and asking you to update iTunes when you’re trying to masturbate.)
4. You stay together even though sometimes you’re really mean to each other. Like when you call it a “fucking asshole” when it takes an extra 3 seconds to reboot or like when it’s burning hot exterior comes in contact with your genitals.
5. You travel together. You even spoil your laptop sometimes, paying for the in-flight Wi-Fi.
6. You’ve fallen asleep while your laptop is still awake. You couldn’t bring yourself to simply say goodnight and close your precious laptop, so instead you did a variation of the “no you hang up first” thing couples do on the phone and left it open, just to fall asleep three minutes later.
7. You’ve bought outfits and accessories for your laptop. Cases, stickers, plugins, software. And when things get rough, you even do maintenance on your laptop, like dusting the screen and wiping down the keys.
8. Sometimes you want to see yourself through your laptop’s eyes. So, you use the webcam as a mirror or selfie taker, or just, you know, act like an idiot on Photo Booth.
9. You often neglect your friends and decline invitations, choosing to spend time with your laptop. That’s what happens sometimes when people get into relationships, they spend all their time with the one they love, abandoning friendships along the way.
10. Your laptop knows all of your deepest darkest secrets. From emails to bookmarks to Word documents to your bank statements, it knows everything about you, including your script idea for “Jurassic Park in Space.”
11. You finish each other’s sentences. Okay maybe this is more of a Google thing but your laptop makes Google possible so it’s still a thing.
12. You don’t like other people watching you touch your laptop. When someone’s looking over your shoulder while you’re on your laptop, it makes you feel uncomfortable, like someone walking in on you and your girlfriend’s sexy time.
13. You keep mementos from your early days together. To outsiders it’s garbage, but to you it’s an incredibly sentimental box.