Unless you work in porn, sex at the workplace is generally frowned upon. But judging by a recent survey from Australian gift site, Yellow Octopus, some of us elect to ignore HR’s guidelines and do the deed on the employer’s dime.

The survey of over 1,000 people first sought to discover which office acts were perceived as most offensive. Coming in first was masturbation, as delcared by half of men and women in the sample. Second was watching porn, followed by hooking up with a coworker, consuming drugs or alcohol and, in last, eating someone else’s food. Which, if it has happened to you, should most definitely be grounds for termination due to moral character.

Employers should be pleased to know that only five percent of women commit what’s found to be the most offensive workplace act. Men, on the other hand, were almost three times as likely to masturbate at their place of employment.

Of these figures, 22 percent of office masturbators have done so once, 38 percent have masturbated two to five times and a surprising 40 percent have beat their meat over six times.

After climaxing in what I’d imagine is the employee restroom, 44 percent said they felt excited. The emotions that followed were feeling: rebellious, nervous, embarrassed and, in dead last, people said they felt uncomfortable. As they damn well should. Work is no place to spread your seed, sickos.

Speaking of seed-spreading, roughly 30 percent of women admit they’ve fantasized about having sex with a boss or coworker, compared to about 60 percent of men. However, only 11 percent have acted on these impulses, and an additional four percent copped to fooling around with a “non-employee”.

As for which sexual acts were most practiced at the office, good old-fashioned intercourse was the frontrunner (men: 67 percent, women: 82 percent), followed by the more discrete act of oral sex (men: 62 percent, women: 42 percent) and masturbation with a partner came third (men and women: 30 percent). Of those who’ve committed these act, 14 percent were caught.

Most elected to bone at night, according to 72 percent of the sample. In second came the office risk-takers who had sex during their shift at 36 percent, followed by 17 percent of early risers who bumped uglies before work even began. Slightly over 40 percent of employees think sex at the workplace should get you fired. Which, when you consider how uptight HR can be, is definitely a fair, if not favorable, figure.

Should you ever choose to have sex at work, know that you’re not alone, not by a long shot. You should also know that if you get caught, you’ll probably get fired–and earn an unfavorable reputation.