I know you’re probably really excited for the release of Adele’s new album, but there are a few things you should know before you delve into 25. Unlike pharma companies, record labels don’t have to list side effects on the side of their product. And that’s just plain irresponsible when you’re dealing with the lethally efficacious sob-prescription that is this album. That’s why we tested it out on ourselves and made a thorough list of the painful things you might experience once 25 gets into your blood.
1. CHRONIC REMINISCING
You might be sitting in your car, driving down the street and minding your own business when suddenly “Hello” will come on, reminding you of a past relationship. You pull up your old texts messages at a red light and scroll through them. This will likely be accompanied by a quickening of the pulse and mild nausea.
2. CLOUDY RELATIONSHIP MEMORIES
Oh I’m definitely not crying. Haha, not at all. It’s all the dust that’s in the air around here. Can somebody do something about all this dust? Do we have a dust guy we can call?
3. WATERY, ITCHY EYES
Oh I’m definitely not crying. Haha not at all. It’s all the dust that’s in the air around here. Can somebody do something about all this dust? Do we have a dust guy we can call?
4. DIFFICULTY MOVING ON
You could try online dating, but no one will ever compare to her. You try to stay busy with work, but you find your thoughts constantly drifting back to her. Is this your life now? Why did you do this to us, Adele?
5. THE DESIRE TO STARE OUT A WINDOW DURING A RAINSTORM
If it were possible to make your life black and white while this was happening, you’d do it in an instant. It’s like Sinead O’Connor, Lionel Richie, and those Sara McLaughlin sad dogs commercials all rolled into one.
6. REALLY WANTING TO CALL STEPHANIE
You still have her number in my phone. What if you just called her? Is that crazy? That’s crazy, right? You haven’t spoken in months. A text would be weird because she wouldn’t be able to hear tone, but if you call you’re definitely going to cry. You’re ruining my life, Adele.
7. MAYBE JUST GO CHECK STEPHANIE’S FACEBOOK FOR A MINUTE
It wouldn’t be the worst idea just to see what Stephanie has been up to since you broke up, would it? She never unfriended you, so you could see if she’s in a relationship. Please god, don’t let her be in a relationship.
8. MIGHT AS WELL SCROLL THROUGH STEPH’S INSTAGRAM PICTURES WHILE YOU’RE AT
Steph doesn’t have a relationship listed on Facebook, but who does? You check her Instagram and see if there are any pics of her and a guy. It’s like Adele is whispering into your ear and punching you in the heart.
9. AND HER TAGGED PHOTOS ON INSTAGRAM
Now, most people would just check her pictures, but the real place to check is the tagged photos. That way you can see who’s posting pictures of her. Your hands are shaking. Adele is playing on repeat. You don’t remember what day it is.
10. HAVING YOUR HEART BROKEN
Oh no. She’s seeing someone. Your heart just fell out of your chest. You’re in hell. You’re in hell and Adele is the maestro in your orchestra of misery.
11. TRYING TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT STEPHANIE HAS MOVED ON
She’s never going to love you again. Nothing matters anymore. You had one chance at love and you blew it. Adele, please just relinquish your death grip on my heart and soul.
12. CRYING. ALWAYS CRYING
Adele’s album is available now in stores. But you might never emerge from your bedroom again. Stephanie, I miss you. I’m sorry.