Relationships are hard. Knowing when relationships are over can be even harder. Here are 20 excellent signs your life of true love might be on the rocks.
1) She passionately calls out your name during sex with other guys that have the same name as you.
2) Every time you try to kiss her she pretends to be in a coma (but not in a sexy way.)
3) You’re saved in her phone as “My Ticket to a Green Card.”
4) Her last Google search was for contract killers.
5) When introducing her you say, “This is my… “ then sob, “WHAT HAPPENED TO US?!?!?!”
6) She texts things like “love u!” then follows with “sorry wrong number.”
7) You realize she’s replaced herself with a mannequin.
8) She’s writing a script tentatively titled “Reverse Lifetime Movie Scenario.”
9) She rearranges the apartment so that everything you own is on the street.
10) She watches rom-coms and says, “I wish I had a boyfriend.”
11) On the anniversary card she got you there’s a cartoon of a couple kissing. On the inside it says “I’m Fucking Your Brother Kevin.”
12) She leaves the door open when she goes to the bathroom on your dress shirts.
13) Her to-do list says call mom, drop off dry cleaning, change identity.
14) For your birthday she got you the boxed set of a TV show called “This Has Been Over For a Long Time and We’re Both Just Afraid to Admit It.”
15) When you try to hug her she sets herself on fire.
16) She says she wants the two of you to be buried next to each other. Tomorrow.
17) Weddings make her cry. Actually everything makes her cry. She’s never not crying.
18) She plays pranks on you, like calling the police and saying you have a gun.
19) She says let’s recreate that scene from Lady and the Tramp, then she chains you up in the backyard.
20) You find it difficult to maintain an erection because she has cut off your penis.
Mike is an actor and comedian based in Los Angeles. Follow @mikeleffingwell on Twitter.