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12 Simple Ways to Be a Dick

12 Simple Ways to Be a Dick: writeonnewjersey.com

writeonnewjersey.com

Some people just seem to have the natural ability to be a dick. They’re terrible to be around and go out of their way to make all their friends miserable. Maybe you weren’t born with that obnoxious ability, but never fear! Here are twelve simple ways you too can be an annoying dick that everyone hates.

1. The Infinite Phone Call

Wait until you’re riding in the car with a group of friends and you get a phone call that’s definitely not an emergency. Instead of simply calling them back later, turn down the radio, shush your friends, and chat on the phone for the entire car ride. If someone whispers, turn around and give them a really bitch look. Everyone will hate you forever!

2. The Dumb Waiter

If a waiter forgets something small when bringing out your food and you don’t notice it until he walks away, don’t wait for him to come back to your table. Snap your fingers in the air and say something like, “Uhhh hello?” That way he’ll know you think of him as less than a human because he forgot to put the ranch dressing on the side.

3. The Deep Tracks

Whenever anyone is innocently discussing an album, television show, or movie they enjoy, go out of your way to sigh in a dramatic way while rolling your eyes so hard it almost gives you a seizure. Don’t say anything, though. Wait awkwardly until someone asks you what you think about it and use that opportunity to prove your dominance in underground entertainment trivia. That’s definitely more important than friends.

4. The Popeye

If anyone ever comes to you in a loving manner and tries to help you correct a major flaw in your behavior, let them know that this is who you are and you won’t apologize for it. You can refer to them as a hater for extra points or just tell them they’re jealous. This way you deflect criticism away from yourself and just chalk it up to haterz. Be sure to spell it with a “z” to really get your point across.

5. White Charm

If you’re a white person at a ethnic restaurant, be sure to talk with your normal accent, except when pronouncing a menu item. You’ll think it shows class and sophistication to pronounce “quesadilla” like a cartoon matador, but in reality it will make everyone in the restaurant want you to die.

6. The Tokyo Drift

This is one you can do without saying a word. When you’re driving on a two-lane road and someone decides they’d like to be driving slightly faster than you, don’t let that happen. Drive 45 mph until the moment the other driver tries to pass you then hit that gas pedal as hard as you possibly can. I don’t mean speed up a little, punch your foot through the floor until your heel is dragging the ground like Fred Flintstone.

7. iMeal

Going out to eat with someone is a great opportunity to catch up with each other’s lives and just enjoy the company of another human being. You can get around all of this by staring at your phone through 95% of the meal. Even if they’re telling a story, nod and occasionally glace up, but keep your attention firmly on your phone. You don’t even have to be texting. You can download porn or refresh your Instagram a dozen times, hoping for a new picture. The options are limitless!

8. The Open Call

When you’re in a public setting and you need to make a phone call, don’t be selfish and keep it all to yourself. Instead, put your phone on speaker and talk so loudly it shakes the mantle of the earth. Who cares if it’s a quiet coffee shop? You need people to know that you’re about to make $800 and what better way than screaming it at them like AC/DC?

9. D’Oh

Anytime someone mentions how much they enjoy The Simpsons, be sure to say, “Well, until the ____ season. After that it sucks.” We all know a show isn’t going to hit homeruns every time and the first DECADE of a show is usually better, but we’re all very impressed that you don’t enjoy the show anymore. Also, we hate you.

10. The Rosetta Stone

If someone close to you is telling you a serious story about a tragedy in their lives or an important decision they have to make, use it as a chance to show your intellectual dominance over them. If they say “who” instead of “whom”, raise your hand to silence them and let them know that if you’re going to continue listening to the details of their dad’s funeral, they’re going to need to use proper grammar.

11. The Smack Talk

If you’re in a sports bar and you see a stranger politely watching the big game while wearing a shirt or jersey of your rival, be sure to go yell in his face or tell him to suck/bite/or eat a part of your genitalia. After all, you definitely helped your team win, so why shouldn’t you be able to gloat like an idiot in the face of innocent strangers who happen to have born in a different city?

12. The Suave

Any time you encounter a female in a normal life scenario, let her know her bangability factor. She could be your probation officer or just someone selling you a gently used Toyota Corolla, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t let her know the odds of you wanting to plow her. Why shouldn’t you insult that chubby girl who tirelessly delivers your mail by letting her know that you wouldn’t finger her if your life depended on it? Show those innocent bystanders who’s boss!


Rob is a writer and comedian based in Louisville, KY. Follow @robfee on Twitter.

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