The SkyMall catalog is as much a certainty as death and taxes. At some point, everyone who has flown on an airplane has thumbed through its pages and thought to themselves, “Who loves crossword puzzles so much that they want to have one on their wall?” or “Hmm, maybe I do need a Harry Potter wizard wand.”
Aside from selling dog staircases and sculptures of rock climbing squirrels, SkyMall is also a resource for guys looking to buy new clothes. Really, really awful clothes. The sartorial offerings leave much to be desired but they do provide an endless amount of comic fodder.
Here are the 12 stupidest men’s fashions available on SkyMall:
1. Faux Tattoo Long Sleeve T-Shirt
The only thing worse than being a guy who wears Ed Hardy-esque clothes with awful tattoos is being a guy who pretends to wear Ed Hardy-esque clothes with awful tattoos.
2. Hooded Zip-Up Mosquito Jacket
If you are traveling somewhere where the mosquitos are so bad that you worry about them biting your entire face then you need a new travel agent.
3. Suzy Kuzy Beer Mitt
The raison d'etre of a beer koozy is to keep beer cold. Why would you ever want a wool one that does the exact opposite?
4. Torso Toner Body Shaper For Men
Let’s say you have a lovely lady back to your place and things are starting to progress quite nicely. Then you say, “Can you give me a moment? I have to take off my man Spanx.” Suffice it to say you’ll be sleeping alone that night and every night that you wear these.
5. Bob Socks
Inexplicably there is an entire collection of clothes on SkyMall dedicated to the name Bob. Of those, these socks that say Bob in different languages are the worst of the worst.
6. Leo Padded Butt Enhancer Brief
It’s an unfair double standard, but guys just aren’t judged on how much junk they have in the trunk. You will be judged, however, if you decide to wear this stupid underwear. Do you want to be the subject of countless butt memes like Kim Kardashian?
7. Jeans Lounge Pants
As if sweatpants that look like jeans wasn’t a bad enough idea, these are bad sweatpants that look like bad jeans. These are what you wear when you’ve given up.
8. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Shirt
WTF is already code for “What the fuck?” There is no need to have a code for the code. This isn’t the NSA.
9. Beard Hat
This ridiculous hat has been lampooned plenty already, but apparently not enough to keep SkyMall from stocking it.
10. iPhone Cufflinks
Do you own an iPhone? Congratulations, so do hundreds of millions of other people. Don’t distinguish yourself by being the only one lame enough to advertise that fact on your wrists with these cufflinks.
11. Comical Boxers
SkyMall is the one that called these boxers comical, not me. Everyone knows that you fart, but wearing boxers that promote your “tooting” is not a way to gain friends.
12. Weekender St. Barts Short
We’re fairly certain that no one in the tony enclave of St. Barts has ever worn these shorts. Having shorts with a drawstring and button closure is as redundant as wearing a belt with suspenders.