Some evil woman named Icess Floyd—her actual name said aloud is ISIS, the maniac—apparently keeps jacking Lana Del Rey’s Jaguars.
In early November, Floyd broke into the singer’s Malibu mansion and lived there while she was traveling, eventually making off with the Jaguar XK convertible that 100% did not belong to her. She got it impounded and that’s where you think the story would end.
But it doesn’t. No, no, no, this is lunatic criminal mastermind Fightin’ Icess Floyd we’re talking about, I guess, so she obviously came back and stole a second Jaguar from Lana Del Rey (I always have to say her full name). This time, Floyd lifted a 2015 F-TYPE.
Floyd’s been charged with two counts of burglary and two counts of felony joyriding, which is the coolest-sounding crime aside from racketeering.
And because Lana Del Rey’s pad is apparently the place to be, an “infatuated” 19-year-old man also recently broke into her mansion when she wasn’t home and stole a book because sure.
Lana Del Rey, if you’re reading this, hire me to housesit. I’ve recently taken to push-ups and I was the fastest kid in grade school. I’m great with plants. You don’t even need to pay me. If you have a stocked refrigerator, I’m good.