There are an infinite amount of parallel universes but one thing remains constant: Star Trek is THE franchise. There’s nothing with its hooks in deeper in the (enormous, terrifying) minds of the true nerd. There may be more episodes of Doctor Who. There may be more action figures from Star Wars. But for deep-cut hardcore dweebdom, Roddenberry’s Wagon Train to the Stars has no competish.

I’ve been a rabid fan of the franchise since childhood and I’ve got the wedgie scars to prove it. While still maintaining a semi-functional adult life I pen the One Trek Mind column at and host panels at Star Trek conventions. So when I present you with this complete ranking of every single Star Trek episode ever, it’s not like we just shot photon torpedoes at the wall.

Before you commence scrolling and arguing, the rules:

1 – The movies don’t count.
2 – The original, unaired pilot “The Cage” doesn’t count.
3 – Two-part episodes count as one episode. This isn’t as much of a crutch as you might think. Many two-parters start off great, then whiff in the home stretch.
4 – The episodes part of larger arcs (Dominion War, Xindi Superweapon) are treated individually if they have their own title without “Part X” in it.
5 – The Animated Series does count. You have an issue with that, send a telegram.

Know that only the lowest on the list are so awful they provoke rage. Even a stray episode of Voyager ranked in the 550s has much value to a true fan. Even if it is a Chakotay episoide. Also, I will fight you with a lirpa, bat'leth or d'k tagh to defend the episode “Spock’s Brain.” Yes, it is absolutely asinine, but it no way is it the worst thing ever. It’s actually a great deal of fun. And what many non-Trek fans don’t realize is that, yes, we do have a lot of fun with this. We’re not all reciting Shakespeare in Klingon.

So, without any further ado: Qapla’!

695) “Shades of Gray,” The Next Generation, Season 2
A clips episode? What is this, The Partridge Family? An embarrassment. Don’t give me excuses about a writer’s strike, this is television sewage.

694) “And the Children Shall Lead,” The Original Series, Season 3
Insufferable and annoying and impossible to follow. This has the logic of a William S. Burroughs cut-up experiment with the added value of wretched kid actors. Dr. McCoy beaming at the end as young ‘uns mourn their dead parents is one of the all time “what the hell am I watching” moments. Only value: obscure trivia factoid concerning the movie Zodiac. (You can Google it yourself.)

693) “Code of Honor,” The Next Generation, Season 1

Lt. Yar runs afoul of a planet run totally inhabited by dudes from early ’80s 7-Up commercials. Not the shows finest hour — indeed, it’s flabbergastingly racist.

692) “Threshold,” Voyager, Season 2
Tom Paris takes his shuttle to Warp 10 and is “at all points of the Universe at one.” This changes him into a salamander, and he then kidnaps Janeway, turns her into a salamander, too, and mates with her. Chakotay yanks them away and they all desert the out-of-space-and-time offspring down on a bog planet. What. The. Hell.

691) “These Are The Voyages…,” Enterprise, Season 4
This ranks so low mostly on principle. What an insult to the NX-01 and her crew that Enterprise’s final episode be more about Riker and Troi than Archer, Trip, T'Pol and the others. I get it – tie it in to the larger franchise, but a TNG-era holodeck scenario feels like fan fiction more than a conclusion. Bad play.

690) “Masks,” The Next Generation, Season 7
Do you want to see Brent Spiner act his guts out doing a bunch of crazy voices? No, you don’t.

689) “Move Along Home,” Deep Space Nine, Season 1
Unlike “Spock’s Brain,” which is horrible but somewhat endearing, this is horrible and annoying. Our team is trapped in a deadly board game and when Kira does a dopey musical chant it’s enough to make you unplug your television and vow to never turn it on again. Atrocious.

688) “Precious Cargo,” Enterprise, Season 2
The Princess and the Pod? Trip is stuck with a haughty captive played by international film star Padma Lakshmi. A boardroom decision to bring a wider audience to Enterprise, sure, but, oof, this episode sucks.

687) “A Fistful of Datas,” The Next Generation, Season 6
While this old west holodeck tale has inspired some nice cosplay, it is a storytelling disaster.

686) “If Wishes Were Horses,” Deep Space Nine, Season 1
Holosuite characters running around the station, including Rumpelstiltskin. Abominable.

685) “Elementary, Dear Data,” The Next Generation, Season 2
Data as Sherlock Holmes. Everyone who called you a wiener for liking Trek had this episode in mind.

683) “Bem,” The Animated Series, Season 2
Not all of the animated stuff is bad. But this one creeps me out to no end for some reason. Maybe something happened to me when I was a kid watching this. Let’s move on.

682) “Tattoo,” Voyager, Season 2

There might be nothing more forced and hackneyed than Chakotay’s spiritual backstory. Shabby writing, horrible acting. Humiliating all around.

681) “The Jihad,” The Animated Series, Season 1
This one has a giant glowing shoelace at the end. Yes, it does deal with Holy War, but not in any controversial way. This series was targeted at kids, you know.

680) “Twisted,” Voyager, Season 2
A spatial distortion runs havoc on the set. No one can find a bathroom. When things eventually right themselves, Neelix serves cake.

679) “Cathexis,” Voyager, Season 1
A non-corporeal being is floating around the ship and possessing people. Chakotay, almost dead and in Sick Bay, is able to use his powers (being a Native American?) to send his spirit into others to combat this. Horrible and offensive.

678) “The Empath,” The Original Series, Season 3
Aghhh! Trapped in space with a mime. Horrible.

677) “Marauders,” Enterprise, Season 2
Our Enterprise crew gets all Seven Samurai against the Klingons in aid of some simple miners. A mess.

676) “Profit and Lace,” Deep Space Nine, Season 6
I love some of the Ferengi episodes. But Grand Nagus Zek’s political woes and cross-dressing Quark are just a bit too much.

675) “The Q and the Grey,” Voyager, Season 3
Stop trying to shove Q in the other series! Q wants Janeway to carry his child? The Continuum needs the crew to stop a Q civil war? How bout getting us back to the Alpha Quadrant first?

674) “Ex Post Facto,” Voyager, Season 1
Tom Paris is supposed to be a renegade bad boy but he looks like a 1950s soda jerk. He allegedly kills someone, but Tuvok proves him innocent in this gutless whodunnit.

673) “Let He Who Is Without Sin,” Deep Space Nine, Season 5

Other than confirming that Dax has spots all the way down her leg, this Risa-themed episode is pointless.

672) “Darkling,” Voyager, Season 3
Robert Picardo as the Doctor was terrific so the producers kept forcing him front and center of shows — but the character is usually best on the sidelines. His programming matrix being invaded by historical holograms is silly for too many reasons to count.

671) “Vis à Vis,” Voyager, Season 4
A sick alien plays doppelgänger with members of the crew. You’ve seen this one before, but better.

670) “Second Sight,” Deep Space Nine, Season 2
Sisko gets a girlfriend. Turns out she doesn’t have his interests at heart. Quite poor.

669) “Albatross,” The Animated Series, Season 2
Being an interstellar doctor ain’t easy. A planet McCoy previously inoculated caught some plague and now they’re furious. Also: our crew is turning blue.

668) “Elogium,” Voyager, Season 2
Space pheromones make Kes nubile. Frankly, her sexuality is too freaky to think about. She looks like a grown woman but she’s only a year or so old? Uhhhh. Anyway, should Voyager become a generation ship, or keep pushing for a faster route home? That’s today’s question.

667) “Concerning Flight,” Voyager, Season 4

Holodeck Leonardo DaVinci helps fight space pirates. Worse than Data’s Sherlock Holmes episodes.

666) “Fair Haven,” Voyager, Season 6
Holodeck episode, this time in an Irish village. Ugh.

665) “The Passenger,” Deep Space Nine, Season 1
The undead Jason Bourne is running around the station. Not good for Promenade business.

664) “Meridian,” Deep Space Nine, Season 3
I’m all for Kira dating, but not someone who is interphasing in and out of our corporeal dimension. I mean, what would the registry for that look like?

663) “Spirit Folk,” Voyager, Season 6
Holodeck characters become sentient. Again. Someone needs to fix this.

662) “Rise,” Voyager, Season 3
Neelix and the Great Glass Elevator.

661) “Ashes to Ashes,” Voyager, Season 6
An alien is reanimated and having trouble adjusting to her undead life. Don’t our characters trying to get out of the Delta Quadrant have their own problems?

660) “Alter Ego,” Voyager, Season 3
Harry Kim falls in love in the holodeck. You’d think by now they’d know not to do this.

659) “Rules of Engagement,” Deep Space Nine, Season 4
{{}} More of Worf pulled between two worlds. Standard, but this episode wins some points for some innovative camera moves — a rarity on the show.

658) “Parturition,” Voyager, Season 2
Tom Paris and Neelix bond when they hatch a baby reptilian alien. Good for them.

657) “The Muse,” Deep Space Nine, Season 4
Jake Sisko finds his Mrs. Robinson, who feeds off his creative energy when he’s working on a story. Yeah, a sci-fi writer’s fantasy to be sure.

656) “Parallax,” Voyager, Season 1
Early days on the ship and still getting to know the characters. B'Elanna Torres quickly differentiates herself as a force to be reckoned with, and a nice mirror to Captain Janeway. The actual plot, about a trapped vessel, is almost secondary.

655) “Fascination,” Deep Space Nine, Season 3
Lwaxana Troi is emitting lust dust. Every series needs an episode where everyone makes out with one another, I guess.

654) “Fair Trade,” Voyager, Season 3
Neelix learns a valuable lesson about honesty. Pass.

653) “Learning Curve,” Voyager, Season 1
If the ship is run by bio-neural gel packs does that mean it can get sick? Yes, it does. Also, just because a Maquis crew is told “you’re Starfleet” doesn’t automatically get them up to code. Time to discipline the crew.

652) “Fury,” Voyager, Season 6
A baffling timeline shift episode that is predicated on the thought that we in the audience want to see Kes again. Not the case.

651) “Daedalus,” Enterprise, Season 4

The inventor of the transporter shows up for a visit. And, in doing so, reminds us just how awkward a poorly written episode of Star Trek could be.

650) “The Cloud,” Voyager, Season 1
There’s an energy crisis and Janeway really wants some coffee. A spooky nebula may be able to charge the ship’s batteries but, wouldn’t you know it, it isn’t just a cloud it is a nucleogenic being that may be sentient. And needs our help!

649) “The 37’s,” Voyager, Season 2
A rusty old Ford is found floating in space. It’s a puzzling concept and Tom Paris will now need to – whoa did Captain Janeway just order a Blue Alert? A BLUE ALERT!??! What the hell is that?

648) “Haven,” The Next Generation, Season 1
Lwaxana Troi eventually became a good character. But in Season 1, Majel Barrett-Roddenberry was clearly the boss’ wife. #diss

647) “Emanations,” Voyager, Season 1
What if our plane of existence is another place’s afterlife. Like, when they die, they come here. Whoa. This episode fizzles but that concept: Whoa.

646) “The Killing Game,” Voyager, Season 4
A somewhat baffling two-parter in which the Hirogen trap the crew on the Holodeck for a “Most Dangerous Game” scenario, only they think they’re in World War II. Nice to see Jeri Ryan in 1940s clothes.

645) “Persistence of Vision,” Voyager, Season 2
The whole ship starts hallucinating and freaking out. We freak out with them.

644) “Spectre of the Gun,” The Original Series, Season 3
The Enterprise has to reenact the Gunfight at the OK Corral. On the world’s flimsiest set. Spock gives everyone a group mind-meld, which is a little progressive, I suppose.

643) “Oasis,” Enterprise, Season 1
Survivors of a crashed ship living with holograms. Predictable by this stage of the Star Trek game.

642) “Rivals,” Deep Space Nine, Season 2
Dr. Bashir wears a tight silver jumpsuit and plays racquetball. (This is the B-story, but, alas, the more memorable story.)

641) “Ferengi Love Songs,” Deep Space Nine, Season 5

Rom and Leeta get married. Listen, you were invited, so you have to go.

640) “False Profits,” Voyager, Season 3
Those Ferengi from TNG ended up in the Delta Quadrant, where they pass themselves off as Gods. They’re getting’ oomox mornin’, noon & night, but Voyager is here to spoil their fun.

639) “Heroes and Demons,” Voyager, Season 1
Oof, a holodeck story. Rarely a good sign. But this nicely draws out the Doctor and his loyalty to the crew (and their affection for him.) He’s the only one who can “go in” and rescue them because, y'know, he’s not real.

638) “Coda,” Voyager, Season 3
Janeway crash lands after engaging the Viidians and yaps with her father during a near death experience. Maybe there was a better way to explore backstory?

637) “Macrocosm,” Voyager, Season 3
Standard episode with a microbial toxin floating around, but some extra ick factor went into the makeup and effects on this one.

636) “Lonely Among Us,” The Next Generation, Season 1
The Enterprise-D’s first run-in with a hostile energy cloud. Also, Data’s love of Sherlock Holmes is born. Ugh, if we could have stopped it here before the holodeck.

635) “Innocence,” Voyager, Season 2
Logical Tuvok must protect a group of emotional children. They turn out not to be what they seem, which for anyone who has watched Star Trek is somewhat expected.

634) “The Thaw,” Voyager, Season 2
Do you want to see Michael McKean in space clown makeup? Sure, why not?

633) “Extreme Risk,” Voyager, Season 5
Five years in and B'Elanna is still getting “we’re your family now” pep talks?

632) “Q2,” Voyager, Season 7

A final appearance from Q, this time with his rascally son. By Voyager’s seventh season, the tone is totally off. We’re beyond this, no offense.

631) “Aquiel,” The Next Generation, Season 6
LaForge falls in love with a murder suspect. There’s an evil space dog in this one.

630) “Minefield,” Enterprise, Season 1
Archer and Malcolm Reed give one another a whole bunch of tough love when he’s pinned to the hull of a ship as the destruction clock is ticking.

629) “Resurrection,” Deep Space Nine, Season 6
A Mirror Universe episode that feels out of place in the middle of the Dominion War arc. But, hey, good to see you again, Vedek Bareil! Oh, you’re evil now? Sorry.

628) “Valiant,” Deep Space Nine, Season 6
War is bad for children. This episode is here to remind you of that.

627) “Chrysalis,” Deep Space Nine, Season 7
Dr. Bashir’s fellow enhanced crazies are back. Dating tips follow.

626) “The Battle,” The Next Generation, Season 1
Wants to be TNG’s “Balance of Terror.” Mostly about headaches.

625) “Cold Fire,” Voyager, Season 2
Good news — another Caretaker was found. Bad news — she’s not sending us back home. Of note: Kes does well in a horror movie context, and has one hell of a shriek.

624) “Jetrel,” Voyager, Season 1
Neelix, the nicest guy in the galaxy, has to deal with a new guy on the ship — the scientist whose superweapon was used (by others, granted) to kill his family. What’s a Talaxian to do?

623) “Good Shepherd,” Voyager, Season 6
Janeway takes some scrubs from the lower decks on an Outward Bound mission. Trouble follows.

622) “Rogue Planet,” Enterprise, Season 1

The Most Dangerous Game … in Spaaaaace! Archer must protect shape-shifting telepaths who are hunted for sport on an orbitless planetoid of endless night. White knight or buzzkill?

621) “The Last Outpost,” The Next Generation, Season 1
Our first look at the Ferengi – and they’re extras from a Devo video. (Crack that whip.) Weird episode but props to Trek’s producers for later tweaking these villains.

620) “Sub Rosa,” The Next Generation, Season 7
Dr. Crusher vs. Scottish Space Ghosts in what feels like a holdover from Dark Shadows.

619) “His Way,” Deep Space Nine, Season 6
Odo and Kira make out. Holosuites are involved. If I lived in the future I’d be a baller.

618) “Meld,” Voyager, Season 2
When a crewman (Brad Dourif!) turns violent Tuvok uses this opportunity to understand darker aspects of the human condition through a mind meld. Sounds cool but the execution isn’t so hot.

617) “Non Sequitur,” Voyager, Season 2
Harry Kim awakens in 24th Century San Francisco but he fights to return to his destiny – even if that means being trapped in the Delta Quadrant.

616) “Once Upon A Time,” Voyager, Season 5
Neelix babysits Naomi Wildman. I’m 100 percent pro-Neelix but even I say this one is too much.

615) “Prodigal Daughter,” Deep Space Nine, Season 7
The first episode to really focus on Ezri Dax is some Murder, She Wrote bit of nonsense in a mining community.

614) “Imaginary Friend,” The Next Generation, Season 5

Snuffleupagus in Space!

613) “Time and Again,” Voyager, Season 1
Early Voyager played it safe by riffing on stuff we’d already seen in TNG, like the ship caught in a time loop. This one has a fun spin, though, when we realize the instigating event from the past is caused by attempts not to prevent that event. That’s heavy, man.

612) “Retrospect,” Voyager, Season 4
Seven of Nine is technologically raped by an arms trader, and everyone starts blaming the victim. There are some life lessons in this one.

611) “New Ground,” The Next Generation, Season 5
Worf’s Dr. Phil episode with young Alexander.

610) “The Swarm,” Voyager, Season 3
Why would a hologram want to visit a holodeck? And why would Janeway think “my ship will be different” when a section of space has proven hazardous? Doesn’t anyone watch Star Trek?

609) “Unforgettable,” Voyager, Season 4
A woman from Chakotay’s past that he can’t remember passes on a computer virus. Who invited Chakotay along?

608) “The Fights,” Voyager, Season 5
“Chaotic Space” makes everyone a little cuckoo bananas. (Example: Chakotay thinks he’s a boxer.) But maybe there’s a lifeform trying to communicate and can only do it by altering your perceptive capabilities? I thought Verizon was bad but they never adjust my DNA!

607) “Angel One,” The Next Generation, Season 1
Riker runs afoul of the all-female planet. I wonder how many Men’s Rights Advocates saw this dopey episode at a pivotal age?

606) “The Seventh,” Enterprise, Season 2
T'Pol receives some orders from the Vulcan High Command and brings Archer along. Further tweaks to the Vulcan backstory are bordering on full retcon here and it’s making me twitch just thinking about it.

605) “A Man Alone,” Deep Space Nine, Season 1
Early days on the station. A little clunky, but we’re getting under Odo’s goopy skin, which is nice.

604) “Paradise,” Deep Space Nine, Season 2
Here’s a tip, space explorers. When you encounter a utopian planet totally devoted to peace, there’s probably a dark secret lurking underneath.

603) “The Big Goodbye,” The Next Generation, Season 1
Captain Kirk wouldn’t have had time for the Holodeck.

602) “Afterimage,” Deep Space Nine, Season 7

Trills are supposed to steer clear of past lovers. But this is war, so all bets are off. Plus, we already signed Ezri for the season.

601) “Up The Long Ladder,” The Next Generation, Season 2
Riker gets busy with some Space Irish.


695-601 / 600-501 / 500-401 / 400-301 / 300-201 / 200-101 / 100-1