The Age of Star Wars is once again upon us, and pedestrian fan theories are all the rage as we approach the moment when JJ Abrams releases The Force Awakens from his Mystery Box. This Thursday, everybody will finally find out what the movie is about (as they watch it), but until then we’re left to pull stuff out of our asses and act like whatever we find up there makes sense (it doesn’t).
I am what my mom would call a “terribly obsessive Star Wars nerd,” so as I read the most recent spasm of fan theories, I wondered why I wasn’t getting in on that. It’s an oversight that I’m going to correct right here on this Internet webpage by flexing my nerd muscles.
Because, you see, I have the deep Star Wars knowledge required to properly make wild guesses about how JJ will definitely gear The Force Awakens toward nerds like me who know and care about who Exar Kun is. So here are 7 fan theories I made up that definitely are all true because I’m better than all those other clowns who are making up fan theories.
THEORY 1: THE MYSTERIOUS NEW CHARACTER KYLO REN IS ACTUALLY BOBA FETT
In Return of the Jedi, Boba Fett was knocked into the mouth of the Sarlacc, but he didn’t die. Just like in Tales From Jabba’s Palace (if you don’t know what that is then you’re a fake fan who probably has a “job” or some shit), old Boba managed to kill the Sarlacc and climb out, and now he’s Kylo Ren. He wears different clothes because the Sarlacc digested his armor while he was down there and the Kylo Ren outfit was what he was able to steal from the nearest moisture farmers. They had that mask and weird lightsaber just sitting out on the kitchen table, which was weird but who am I to question JJ Abrams? Everybody loves Boba Fett.
THEORY 2: KYLO REN IS NOT BOBA FETT, BECAUSE BOBA FETT IS STILL IN THE SARLACC PIT
Even an expert in coming up with bad fan theories like me has to hedge his bets sometimes, and that’s all this is. Boba Fett is still in the Sarlacc pit, most likely long since digested—or is he?
THEORY 3: SUPREME LEADER SNOKE’S REAL IDENTITY IS JUST A JOKE ABOUT JEB BUSH
A popular fan theory that’s made the rounds recently is that Jar Jar Binks was secretly a Sith Lord back during the prequel movies and he’ll be returning as Supreme Leader Snoke, the new evil mastermind in the upcoming trilogy. But that’s just ridiculous, because JJ would never bring back Jar Jar: he wants us to forget the hated prequels, not dwell on them. So I’ve got a better idea for who Snoke really is.
Finis Valorum, played by Terence Stamp, was the Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic way back in The Phantom Menace, which you may have known. What you definitely didn’t know was that the Valorums are like the Bush family of galactic politics. A bunch of them have served as head of the Republic over the years. Now guess what: the Valorums are back, and Jeb Valorum is Supreme Leader Snoke. JJ wanted to make sure these movies had some pointed social commentary, and he’s doing it by having having actor Andy Serkis play the role with Jeb Bush’s face CGI’d onto him.
THEORY 4: CAPTAIN PHASMA IS ONE OF THE TATOOINE KIDS ANAKIN KNEW IN THE PHANTOM MENACE
Anakin Skywalker was a popular kid amongst the slaves of Mos Espa in The Phantom Menace, and so he had a lot of friends. Some of them, like Melee and George Lucas’ daughter, made fun of him for thinking he could make his pod racer work before the big race (because he was a nine-year-old child, for Christ’s sake), and others stood by him through thick and thin like Kittster.
However, all true Star Wars fans know what they all had in common was they were actually secretly in love with Anakin and were devastated when he ran off with Qui-Gon while they were stuck on the dirt planet being slaves. But after Darth Vader died, Supreme Leader Snoke came to Tatooine, put all Ani’s old pals into a cage, tossed them a pool cue stick and told them to have at it. Whichever one made it out alive is Captain Phasma.
This flashback scene will be cut from the movie so it can get a PG-13 but it’ll be back in the unrated extended cut!
THEORY 5: KYLO REN IS ACTUALLY REVAN FROM KNIGHTS OF THE OLD REPUBLIC
Revan is the most popular Star Wars character ever from a video game (he originates from the 2003 title Knights of the Old Republic), and it’s important that JJ serve that very small niche group of fans in making a movie that will be watched in theaters by 15 billion people. So he pulled Revan out of the garbage can to be the bad guy.
This is a tie-in to the more recent game Star Wars: The Old Republic, also. Revan is thought at this point to be non-canon alongside the rest of the old Expanded Universe, but the creators of SWTOR wrote a story about Revan going on a rampage clearly with the approval of the LucasFilm story group, to set up this twist in the movie that will make sense only to basement-dwelling forum users like me.
THEORY 6: THE STORMTROOPER WHO FIGHTS FINN IN THE 5TH TV SPOT FOR THE FORCE AWAKENS IS REALLY GENERAL GRIEVOUS
Remember in Revenge of the Sith when General Grievous had those guard droids that fought Obi-Wan and Anakin with those sticks that could parry lightsabers? Well, if you watched the fifth TV spot for The Force Awakens you might have noticed the stormtrooper who also had a stick that could parry a lightsaber.
This is no coincidence! General Grievous may have lost all his lightsabers and his heart in Revenge of the Sith, but he’s not dead. Though he may have been born an organic being, the Grievous we all know so well was mostly droid so he survived anyway.
THEORY 7: SUPREME LEADER SNOKE IS DEFINITELY JAR JAR BINKS
Look, that guy was really convincing.