When it was announced that Donald Trump would deliver a speech to the Boy Scouts of America at their National Jamboree, a part of us wondered if putting the president in a room full of adolescents would bring out the best in him. Trump himself is in a constant state of arrested development. He eats his steak well done with a side of ketchup, the same way your 12-year-old nephew does. Maybe they would talk about the merits of drinking coke with a meal instead of wine? Or why McDonald’s makes better burgers than Burger King? Or debate whether or not the WWE is in fact, real?
But Trump’s deranged, meandering speech was a stark reminder that he’s not a teenager. He’s something far worse. He makes the average teen look like a member of MENSA, a society that will say you’re smart if you pay them money. Rather then focus on the “deep, abiding, non-cynical, non-ironic belief in our democracy,” which Stephen Colbert pointed out is one of the touchstones of the hallowed American institution, Trump bragged abut his election win, attacked Hillary Clinton and told a story about his rich friend who owns a sex yacht.
The Late Show host seemed particularly salty about Trump’s decision to ignore the foundational values on which the Boy Scouts of America was built in favor of his own unique brand of political buffoonery. Colbert opened Tuesday’s show with a sketch featuring a group of boy scouts gathered around a campfire listening to a story about and “old bloated pumpkin man with hair like moldy hay.” It’s safe to say they didn’t sleep a wink that night.
When it came time for his monologue, Colbert made sure to dissect the various absurdities in Trump’s speech, including the fact that people just don’t say “Merry Christmas” anymore. Hey dude, it’s July. Colbert wrapped things up by crafting a brand new oath for the Boy Scouts, one that’s far more in line with the values espoused by the President on Tuesday.
“On my honor, I will do my best to make a tremendous amount of money and buy a sex yacht like the old guy the president knows,” Colbert said. “To keep myself physically strong with golf and steak, and refer all questions to outside council. Merry Christmas.”