There was one time I worked as a convenience store clerk and I closed the store to play hockey on the roof. One time, an old guy asked to use our bathroom but needed reading material and asked for a porno magazine then he died in the bathroom and my ex had sex with his corpse thinking it was me. Worst part was I WASN’T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE THERE THAT DAY! Ok, that was all from the movie Clerks, but here are some real stories from real people on Reddit that are just as insane.

1. Honesty is the best policy

I worked at a small convenience store. They had one of those fry delis that had chicken, corndogs, burritos etc. This particular night I had run out of burritos and chicken. About five minutes before I was closing up a guy walked in and asked for some burritos. I told him I was out of them. He walked around the store for a minute then he came up to the counter, pulled out a knife and told me if I didn’t cook him some burritos he was going to stab me. I freaked out, but told him I had none to cook. I showed him the freezer and told him I would happily cook anything he wanted from it, but he will see I was out of burritos. He looked in it for a minute, turned to me and said, “You really are out.” I replied, “Yeah.” He then put the knife away and left the store.

2. Let the cops do what they want

A guy came in to buy beer after hours. Told him I couldn’t sell, it was against the law. He pulled out a badge and said, “I am the law.” I called 911 and a cop shows up, tells me if I can just let it go, I wouldn’t have any more problems. I let it go. Two weeks later, driving home late at night, WAY over the speed limit I got pulled over. It was cop #2, he came up to the car, recognized me and said, "Slow down,” and left.

3. Serving eviction notices

Two different people have tried to lock themselves in our bathroom and tell us that was their home now.

4. End of the single life

A man came in ten times within a single hour. He kept leaving and coming back without buying a single thing. Finally, on the tenth time he comes up to the counter with a box of tampons. I proceeded to ask him, “Rough night?” He responded, “I really don’t want to talk about it.”

5. That’s one way to share your complaint

Had a guy pull up to the pump, unhooked it wanting post-pay. Our policy said not to authorize it between midnight and 5am (pre-pay only). I announce this to the dude over the loudspeaker. I’m pretty sure he was wasted. He continued to get more and more belligerent. When he started beating the pumps with the nozzle/hose, I called the cops. Dude starts banging on the door (locked, no way he would get in), can’t, gets frustrated, and finally just whips his deal out and starts wagging it in the general direction of the store.

6. That escalated quickly

I was just getting ready to close down the store when a little old man came in. He was small and dressed in khakis and a button down shirt. I made the usual small talk of asking him how his day was going. Then as I was handing him his change he firmly grabbed my wrist, made direct eye contact with me and said, “Hell is a real place and the devil has already got his hand on you girl, be careful.”

7. Breaking Bad sequel idea?

Found footprints on the toilet seat and a bag of meth in the ceiling tiles.

8. Occupy Citgo

I worked at a 24/7 gas station in a small college town. One night, the club across the street had a fight break out and about 50 people were pepper sprayed by the police when they responded at about 1:30am. Five minutes later cue 50 angry club goers busting into the store, running to the dairy cooler, dousing themselves in milk and then running back out. I just stood there in utter confusion and then told my boss I didn’t want the late shift anymore.

9. No bathroom for customers

A man came in for no reason other than to take a shit in aisle 3.

10. That’s a strange defect

We had just stocked these baby doll toys on the shelf that day, those motion sensing ones that giggled and cooed when you got close to them. Well, the lights turning off must have triggered them because after the first chunk goes out we hear coos. Second chunk goes out, we hear giggles. Third chunk goes out and we hear, “ISLAM IS THE LIGHT!!!” Needless to say we shipped those suckers back to the manufacturer.

11. This not a man you want to be associated with

There was this weird Vietnamese dude who drove a white Honda Prelude, and always filled up with $6.66 of gas. He wore the same pair of cut offs every time, with blotches and bruises all over his legs, and used to literally wander in, leaning against the displays, pick up as many yogurts as he could carry, pay with a $50 bill and stagger out.

12. She got him good

Around midnight a van pulls up with California plates and peace/love signs in the windows. Woman gets out, moves the traffic cones and pulls up to full serve. I use the intercom to tell her that she will have to use self serve if she wants gas. No answer. Ten minutes later a woman gets out of the van and comes in. “I’ve been waiting for service for over an hour,” she says. I decide not to argue about the time elapsed and just say, “I’m very sorry ma'am, but we don’t offer full-serve after 11:00. Perhaps you noticed the traffic cones and signs to that effect?” “You expect to pump my own gas?” she says. She goes out, moves the van to self-serve, pumps the gas. Then she comes back. “May I use your restroom, please?” she asks. “Absolutely, right back there,” I say, relieved.

She goes to the restroom and she’s in there for about 15 minutes. Finally she comes out and comes to the counter. “I know all about you,” she says. “You’re the one brought the Black Plague. You brought it all the time forever. It was always you. You caused all those deaths, all that suffering. Did you like hearing the babies wail and scream? I bet you loved it. All the demons love it. That’s you. You’re a demon. You are evil. I can tell. And I’ll tell you something else: you skunk me up, I’ll skunk you back.”

I went back to fronting shelves for about 30 seconds before I thought, “Perhaps I should check the bathroom.” Shit. Shit everywhere. On the walls, the floor the mirror, the sink. All over the toilet lid and the tank. Shit on the door, clearly smeared by hand. I muttered under my breath, “You skunked me back all right. Yes, you did.”