Your 55-inch LG Google TV you saw at CES 2013 just came in; you somehow swindled your favorite local chef to cook your game day spread, which he promises will be “better than anything Eddie Huang has ever created”; and you’ve just finished having the best sex of your life after gifting your girlfriend a spa weekend getaway to St. Barts. Things are looking up for you and your buds on this Super Bowl weekend, but you feel like there’s something missing, and you think it may be an element of debauchery.

Enter the guys at Urban Mercenaries, who have compiled the best mix of accessories needed for a good night this side of the legal line. Sure, it doesn’t compare to the legendary briefcase of Raoul Duke, but it’s got all of the necessities you need for swindling dough, having a few sociable shots and cuffing your friend to the radiator after he has one too many. They call their creation The Football, the “ultimate tool for gentlemen,” named after JFK’s nuclear decision-making tool of the same name created after the Cuban Missile Crisis. “JFK invented it. We perfected it,” they say.

The combination lock aluminum briefcase, which comes with a personalized engraved plaque, has everything from bottles of top-shelf vodka and tequila to Advil, Tums and energy drinks for the morning after. A more extensive list of its contents can be found on the site, where you can put in an order for your own briefcase for $500. Be sure to take a quick look at the rules and etiquette of using The Football, as they’ll come in handy if you take your party outside of the comforts of your home.

Playmates not included.