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The Ultimate Guide to Fast Food Alcohol Pairings

The Ultimate Guide to Fast Food Alcohol Pairings: Brandon C/Flickr

Brandon C/Flickr

Following Taco Bell’s recent announcement to remodel one of their Chicago-area restaurants and serve alcohol at the same location, it only made sense to dream up different alcohol pairings that would compliment the delicious Mexican-themed restaurant’s menu. Taking that a step further, the pairing possibilities were extended to other fast food hot spots, and we attempted to answer the important cause/effect questions.

TACO BELL

Wikipedia

Wikipedia

Pairs well with…
Cheap, inauthentic Mexican beer because you’re in a cheap, inauthentic Mexican restaurant.

Why are you here?
You really want your earlier decision to not give that homeless guy a dollar to pay off.

Also pairs well with…
Pepto-Bismol.

What will you be doing tomorrow morning?
The same thing you would if Taco Bell didn’t serve alcohol: hung over as hell and sitting on the toilet for tens of hours saying to yourself, “I’m never eating Taco Bell ever again.”

MCDONALD’S

Wikipedia

Wikipedia

Pairs well with…
Cheap keg beer you swore you’d never drink again once you graduated college.

Why are you here?
The dollar menu now applies to the beer as well as the food.

Also pairs well with…
Impaired decision-making.

What will you be doing tomorrow morning?
Before vomiting on your cat you’ll drive back to the McCafe and ask for the “Hair of the Dog” special: A Shamrock Shake topped off with Bailey’s Irish Cream.

SUBWAY

Wikipedia

Wikipedia

Pairs well with…
Vodka… because you’re counting calories.

Why are you here?
You want to get drunk on a budget but stick to your New Year’s Resolution of “eating healthy.”

Also pairs well with…
Giving in to relentless marketing campaigns from Jared.

What will you be doing tomorrow morning?
Advil and pilates.

ARBY’S

Wikipedia

Wikipedia

Pairs well with…
Moonshine.

Why are you here?
Desperation.

Also pairs well with…
Crippling alcoholism.

What will you be doing tomorrow morning?
Checking into rehab.

KFC

Wikipedia

Wikipedia

Pairs well with…
Kentucky Bourbon.

Why are you here?
The Colonel.

Also pairs well with…
Stomach gurgling so loud that it scares your cat.

What will you be doing tomorrow morning?
Not a lady, that’s for sure.

LITTLE CAESAR’S

Wikipedia

Wikipedia

Pairs well with… Gas station sangria.

Why are you here?
$5 Hot-N-Ready AND alcohol?!?

Also pairs well with…
A walk of shame.

What will you be doing tomorrow morning?
Calling in “sick” to work following a walk of shame.

LONG JOHN SILVERS

Long John Silver

Pairs well with…
A heavy brown ale… to make your feel like you’re in British pub even though you’re just pulling off the freeway on an annoyingly long road trip.

Why are you here?
There aren’t any other food options for another 40 miles.

Also pairs well with…
Regret.

What will you be doing tomorrow morning?
Wishing you had held out for Taco Bell.


Justin is a comedian and writer based in L.A. Follow him on Twitter: @SNLive1

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