It’s a new year, so naturally everyone’s putting together lofty plans for dieting, feverishly mapping out their dream weight plan of attack like a government conspiracy. Suddenly, I too have a new year’s resolution that isn’t to “really live and not explode from sadness.” It’s called “The Taco Cleanse” and it’s probably the only diet I’d ever be able to hold down without getting the shakes for freedom.
“The Taco Cleanse” is basically the surfer masterplan you assume it to be. You eat tacos for each of your standard three meals a day for a month (and at some point, I figure, get over the tears of joy and manic whispers of “I love you more than I ever did Brenda, taco”). The reason any of this even makes sense—and won’t dynamite your heart with cholesterol—is because it’s all vegan.
Written by Austin-based self-proclaimed “taco scientists"—so long, former ambitions of chocolate skydiver and booty astronomer!—Wes Allison, Stephanie Bogdanich, Molly R. Frisinger, and Jessica Morris, The Taco Cleanse: The Tortilla-Based Diet Proven to Change Your Life is a vegan cookbook aiming to simultaneously put you on the right track and make it one heck of a ride.
Here are just some of the benefits (besides the high-level glory of being a "better you”).
You will wake up in the morning with new enthusiasm when you know your day is going to start with a breakfast taco.
Your chakras will become realigned into an optimal taco pattern.
Your life will become more fun and you will make more friends while consuming the required margarita supplements on the plan.
Your sleep will improve as you begin to detox from the negative self images associated with other diets.
The grand plan bounces between healthy digs like the sweet potato and black bean tacos and all-out joy-rousing masterpieces like the churro-waffle tacos. It also has sly twists on notable dieting trends, such as replacing the go-to Master Cleanse of lemon juice and cayenne pepper with the “Minor Clenase” of tequila and cayenne pepper, all of which pairs nicely with tacos.
So this will be the year I finally try a radical dieting plan, now that we have the culinary equivalent of God skysurfing by with finger guns ablaze, saying, “Hey bud, I like your style.”