This story appears in the November 2016 issue of Playboy. Subscribe


Clinton Wins

Trump Wins

Obamacare Expanded! All newborns are now required to buy insurance through the governmental exchange. Repealed! Consider pulling yourself up by your bootstraps to cure that cancer.
Gun Control Are you a responsible gun owner? Fuck you. Maybe there’s something the Second Amendment people can do about you gun-control freaks…
Immigration If you touch American soil with your tongue, congratulations, you’re a citizen. At least there are plenty of jobs building that wall Mexico refuses to pay for.
Twitter She’s the first president to enact laws based on how many retweets they get. He’s the first president to use a Twitter poll to determine which type of torture a prisoner gets.
Environment Recycle, recycle, recycle! Just like she did with all of Bernie’s ideas. The EPA is now the EPPA (Environmental Profit Protection Agency).
Homeland Security Literally no changes. If your name sounds Muslim-y, it might be time to head to Canada.
Marijuana 420 blaze swag yolo, my fellow teens! Only losers smoke pot. Winners take the edge off with “success distilled” Trump Vodka.
Technology Investigations into private e-mail servers are now illegal. Silicon Valley (TV show) is canceled, and Silicon Valley (valley) is now a golf resort.
Taxes Fifty percent of your paycheck will go toward personal panda bears for the Cabinet. Roads and firemen? Who needs ’em!
Jobs Your job is now in Pakistan. Flight leaves at seven. You can have a job at one of Trump’s new hotels… wait, no, it’s bankrupt already.
Energy Corporations must be powered by garbage, like the DeLorean at the end of Back to the Future. Introducing Trump Oil: I drink your milkshake! I DRINK IT UP! LOSER!!!
Iran Trade sanctions should totally solve this whole problem. We are now in a war with Iran.
North Korea Guys, if we just talk to them, they’ll cooperate. We are now in a war with North Korea.
Welfare and Poverty The minimum wage is now $80 per minute. Two words: Boot. Straps.
Free Trade Free trade is great! Did we mention your job is in Pakistan? No more free trade. Your next iPhone will cost $50,000. #MAGA
The Economy Let’s not lie to ourselves: The president has basically no effect on the economy. Let’s not lie to ourselves: The president has basically no effect on the economy.
Education Socialized education. Just look at how well it’s been doing! Privatized education. It’s been working so well with health care!
Wall Street Well, they paid for her election, so… Well, they paid for his election, so…