Forget DiCaprio and the bear from The Revenant; the real ursine star of our time is Ted, Seth McFarlane’s plush pottymouth who sprang to life with his first eponymous film in 2012. This year, Ted and his human companion Johnny (Mark Wahlberg) returned with Ted 2, in which the bear seeks fatherhood and legal recognition as a sentient being. With the sequel appearing today on digital HD, DVD and Blu-Ray, we’re pleased to present this rare interview with Ted himself. Read on for the bear’s thoughts on Trump, weed, sex (e.g. his favorite position, the Lady Paddington Rotating Half Stack) and more.
What was your first encounter with Playboy?
It was the one with Pamela Anderson on the cover, back in ‘97. I remember every square inch of her. It. The magazine. Man, it seems like only yesterday! And there was a Van Damme interview. Johnny and I used to fight over that issue.
Congrats on recently becoming a father. Has fatherhood changed you?
I’m still the same, but my lifestyle has changed big time. For example, I had to replace all of my expensive glass bongs with plastic knockoffs. Plastic bongs suck. I swear it’s like smoking a goddam Weeble. I also had to hide my Playboys and leave parenting mags out on the coffee table, just in case the Mommy and Me group comes over. Oh, and no more plastic dime bags. Choking hazard.
The holidays are notoriously difficult when it comes to dealing with families. How do you survive?
Well, I do a very necessary “wake and bake” before I even hit the floor. By the time I’m talking to relatives, I’m already higher than the Russian Space Station. I also hide behind the furniture – sometimes being short comes in handy.
What’s the best relationship advice you can offer our readers?
Be a good listener. Always agree with everything your partner says. You don’t even have to actually listen – just nod, smile and agree. And as far as sex advice goes… I am a big believer in inventing pet names for your favorite positions. Currently, we are into a little something we call the Lady Paddington Rotating Half Stack. I’ll let your imagination take it from there.
For readers who don’t live in legal states, do you have any tips for scoring good weed?
Yes. Wherever you are in the world, you are never more than seven minutes away from weed. Boom. That is a scientific fact. And there are plenty of apps that can point the way to enlightenment. Also, every Wal-Mart parking lot in America has a guy named Ray who can help you out.
What’s the best thing to do when you’re high?
Oh, that’s easy. I like to imagine how many jellybeans it would take to reach the moon. Or how long it would take to eat the Great Wall of China if it were made of pancakes. Or how long would it would take a rookie taxidermist to stuff an elephant if he was blindfolded and standing in a wind tunnel. Hey, you asked!
Are you for or against vaping?
Well, I think that everybody has the right to vape, no exceptions. While I myself do not vape, many of my friends do. I personally think vaping is the “near beer” of smoking, but hey – whatever gets you through the night.
What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?
How much time do you have? One time I was really mad at John, so I lied and told him that I poked holes in all of his condoms on April Fools Day. Boy was he pissed. I still prank call him every once and awhile and say “Hello, mister? I think you might be my dad…”
What laws are okay to break?
The ones that don’t hurt other people, like the Law of Gravity. Other math-related laws, laws of time and space… Murphy’s Law is a pretty safe one. Oh, and in states where pot is not legal, I say it is.
Who will you vote for in the upcoming president election?
I will only consider someone who shares all of my values. And that someone is a very wise man of few words named Ray who lives in the Wal-Mart parking lot. But if we’re talking serious, then definitely Liam Neeson.
What issues do you most hope the candidates address in their campaigns?
The continued legalization of pot, the reconsideration of Pluto as a planet and a more aggressive franchise strategy for White Castle. The closest one is just too far from my apartment.
If you could spend one hour with Donald Trump, what would you do?
Ask him for his daughter’s hand in marriage. No, steal his wig. No, borrow the keys to Trump Tower and have a Flash Gordon-themed lease-breaking party. No, back to Ivanka. No, Marla Maples. No, Ivanka. Definitely Ivanka.
Would you be interested in joining Taylor Swift’s girl #squad?
Would I? I already did!
What was Tom Brady like when you met him? Do you think he really deflated the balls?
Tom Brady is awesome. Seriously, if the American Dream was an actual person that could talk and kick ass at football, it would be him. And no, I don’t think he deflated any balls. I’ve seen his balls, and they are very… robust. I mean, don’t you remember the scene of Johnny and me breaking into his house?!
Is there any part of your life you’d prefer to keep out of the public eye?
Oh, my life is an open book. A very short, easy-to-read book with pictures. At times a cautionary tale, but an open book. No regrets. Now, when do I get to meet Hugh Hefner?