Why does Ted Cruz keep proving to be the weirdest dude ever? Why can’t he just be a normal person for, like, ten seconds? He constantly acts and talks about life like an alien who thinks he’s doing a much, much better job than he is at fitting in. The guy is on the verge of telling us all, “Boy, I sure do yell for that cream ice,” or explaining that the real hero in Point Break is the unsung FBI agent who goes to work day in and day out without getting caught up in surfer gangs. Now, it’s revealed that he bought 100 cans of soup after his honeymoon? WHY? WHY DOES HE DO THESE THINGS?
I can’t even begin to explain it, so here’s his wife Heidi telling the story (she thinks is cute but is actually 100% bewildering) to Anderson Cooper.
When I married Ted, we got back from our honeymoon, and he went off to the store and came home by himself. And I was completely shocked to see that he arrived back at our apartment with literally 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky soup. I never bought 100 of anything.
This was shocking to me, so we had a tough conversation about it. I said, “You don’t buy 100 of anything, much less canned soup. We can’t do this. I’ll be making things.” He said, “No, I know you. you won’t be making things.”
So the next morning, it was a weekend morning, I loaded up our car before he woke up and returned every single can. And when I got home, I called my mother just to make sure I’d done the right thing as a newlywed. And she emphatically disagreed with me. And so when Ted opened the pantry, I had to quickly tell him that I would go back and buy those cans again.
Seriously, consider this, you just return home from your honeymoon—a raucously celebratory time of travel and sex—and all your friends want to hear how your new life is, and one of the first stories you tell is about buying, returning, and then rebuying 100 cans of soup. Like, when in the hell are you two goonbats going to be invited to a dinner party? Who in their right mind is going to invite a couple who shops like they’re going to be on the messy end of the Rapture (which I have to assume the Cruzes believe they aren’t)?
Even if Cruz ate one can of soup a day, that’s still nearly a third of the entire year that he bought. And if he ate a can of soup for every single meal, that’s still an entire month’s worth. That is too much soup, dude—unless, of course, you’re living as a dedicated survivalist and Cruz strikes me as a guy who would try to break up a bar fight like a principal separating kindergartners.
So, obviously, Cruz’s final fact in his ‘25 Things You Don’t Know About Me’ for Us Magazine was this: “When I’m away from the family, in Washington, D.C., my dinner is a can of soup. I have dozens in the pantry.”
That’s his closer. This dude wants to be president and the closing fun fact about his entire existence is a shout-out to a collection of soup that, I swear, rings with sincere pride. That’s why everyone keeps saying Ted Cruz is somebody else, whether it’s the Zodiac Killer or Kevin from The Office, because we just truly, totally, absolutely don’t want Ted Cruz to be…well, Ted Cruz.