Ted Comes Clean

In June 2007 the Playboy Advisor answered this letter:

Can you explain how therapists test a person for heterosexuality? I read that the Reverend Ted Haggard, the prominent Colorado minister who preached against homosexuality but admitted to having sexual contact with a former male prostitute, was declared "completely heterosexual" after three weeks of therapy.-- J.H., Dallas, Texas

We would love to know what intense procedures brought the formerly conflicted Haggard back to the folds. Maybe he stared at photos of Playmates. But the home test for heterosexuality is fairly simple: Grab some lube, stroke your erection and see who shows up in your fantasies. The more rigid laboratory test involves scientists showing you porn while they monitor a strain gauge attached to your penis. If blood flow increases when you see men having sex, you're gay. If blood flow increases when you watch porn involving women, you're straight. So far there has been no evidence of men who flow both ways. The situation appears to be different for women, who according to one study have increased blood flow to their genitals when shown any type of sexual image. That's why we love them so. At any rate, we challenge Haggard to take the peter-meter test at our expense. 

We never heard from Ted, but in 2009, while promoting his HBO documentary “The Trials of Ted Haggard,” he said the scandal had caused him to reconsider his views on sexual orientation. “Sexuality is complex and confusing,” he reported. He says he's not bisexual but “heterosexual with issues," adding that ”those labels just don't work, and from the research, they don't work for most people. The boxes don't work for me. People are people. We're a mess."

In other words, we're all a little gay. Or a little straight.

Although his marriage survived, Haggard said he “still has temptations from time to time.” He also said he now supports gay marriage and has learned prayer cannot make your attraction to men go away. Valuable lessons.

More recently comes this news - the American Psychological Association has concluded that gay people turn straight through power of will! At best, they can learn to “ignore” or “not act on” their attractions. However, the APA cautions its members not to ignore the strength of a patient's religious faith. It recommended they offer alternatives to patients troubled by their desires, such as celibacy or a church that welcomes gays. Or accepting that biology made them so, not sin.