If you’re my mom then you start listening to Christmas music right around mid-October. I don’t hate Christmas music like some people, but the problem is that the radio plays the same 25 songs over and over and half of them are absolutely terrible. Put your feelings of holiday bliss aside for a second and accept the fact that some of the songs you treasure are downright awful. Here are the ten worst Christmas songs of all time.
10. FELIZ NAVIDAD
Let’s be honest and just admit that this is a super racist song. It probably wasn’t intended to be, but you’d be lying if you said you had never seen some white kids singing it while wearing sombreros and some sort of burlap rug. Singing this song is the equivalent of trilling your tongue when ordering food at Taco Bell.
9. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO FRONT TEETH
First of all, the song is insanely obnoxious and I’m fairly certain that kid has a few more issues than cosmetic dentistry problems. What sort of physical and psychological anguish is he going through at school to make him want to negate presents and toys in exchange for a new smile? I hope you feel his pain every time you mockingly sing it. He’s probably dead now, by the way.
8. DO THEY KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS?
Oh great, we get to listen to Bono sing about poor kids not realizing it’s a holiday. No, Bono they probably don’t. They probably didn’t get to download this track off of iTunes either. Anything else you want to ruin right now? How about you remind my aunt Pam that her husband Gary killed himself last Christmas? Maybe you could put your album on her iPhone and cheer her up?
7. PLEASE DADDY (DON’T GET DRUNK FOR CHRISTMAS)
I’m assuming John Denver was trying to be light and fun with this 1973 horror story of a Christmas song, but the result is completely traumatizing. No Christmas song should mention your mother crying that many times. Is the dad abusive? At one point the dad comes home drunk and the mom instructs the son that he’d better go upstairs. WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN? No, don’t go upstairs; you call 911 and get that monster out of your home immediately.
6. UP ON THE HOUSETOP
You probably don’t mind this song, but I’m fairly certain Santa is kidnapping children in this scenario. He sings about all the different toys Santa has and then says, “Ho, ho ho! Who wouldn’t go?” GO WHERE? Is Santa taking these children to work in his sweatshop? Maybe elves are just the kids he’s snatched up in the middle of the night. Who wouldn’t go? This guy right here, Santa. Not on my watch.
5. GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
Oh cool, a song about murder. Nothing brightens the holidays like that wacky Ray Stevens singing about a combination of vehicular manslaughter and animal cruelty. Maybe next year we can sing about how grandpa hung himself with some tinsel.
4. I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS
I’m certain this song was about the heartbreak of catching your mother cheating on your father, but in a child-like state of mental protection, he convinced himself it had to be Santa. I wonder if “Santa” was at the divorce hearings? I wonder if “Santa” tries to buy him presents to make up for the fact that his dad now lives in an apartment downtown? I’ll never call you dad, pal. You can forget about it.
3. BABY, IT’S COLD OUTSIDE
The whole thing plays out like the opening scene of Law & Order: SVU. It’s completely terrifying in every sense of the word.
2. SANTA, BABY
You know I never really thought about a song where a lady is really horny for Santa, yet here it is. When she says, “hurry down the chimney tonight” you just know she’s winking and pointing at her crotch. Ah yes, your “chimney.” I will hurry down it indeed.
1. THE CHRISTMAS SHOES
Patton Oswalt does a great bit about how ridiculous this song is and anyone that’s ever really listened to it would agree. Nothing gets me in the holiday spirit like a man sparing some change to buy some PayLess shoes for a kid who doesn’t want his mom to be barefoot when she dies in the hospital. Merry Christmas everyone!