Carol is three years away from retirement yet no one knows how she got employed. She has ultimate job security even though she is unable to master simple things like staplers or a hair brush. If you sense the smell of cat, depression and frozen dinners odds are Carol is coming to tell you about her grandchildren who you still aren’t sure are humans. Carol will make your office a living hell unless you take these tips on surviving Carol in various office situations and some Advil.
At the Copy Machine
As a troll defends a bridge so too does Carol with the copy machine. Last learning a new piece of technology in 1967, she will ensure you never get to make a copy again in your life. If you help her? You risk receiving a kiss that makes you unable to have children. If you leave? This is America. The only way to survive Carol at the copy machine is to grab her attention with a Starbucks Frappuccino and throw it as far as you can giving you 30 seconds before she retrieves and waddles back to her post. Make sure you add the whipped cream because without it, she literally can’t.
At the Potluck
With no friends or family to claim her own, Carol turns the office potluck into her own personal Thanksgiving. Sure you brought store bought cookies but you paid $3.99 for those cookies only to be shown up by that bitch Carol who hasn’t seen a Pinterest recipe she hasn’t had the immense time to make. Even worse, your coworkers act as if they have seen the second coming of Christ over a simple bread dish that has Paula Deen level butter. How do you survive this dilemma of embarrassment? The answer is simple, just casually walk up to Carol and challenge her to throw down. We’ll see how handy those Pinterest recipes are when she is busy being punched.
Finally, the most relaxing part of your office day has come, being able to fill your lungs with toxic chemicals that will give you every cancer known to existence. Such a beautiful time, or at least it was until you look across and find Carol waiving at you. How is she out here? Carol doesn’t even smoke? While this is true, Carol has never seen a break or opportunity to socialize that she hasn’t pounced on throughout her 25 years of working at this office. And she will be damned if she lets a technicality like not smoking stop her from cigarette breaks. How do you survive this? If speaking to Carol about her cat’s paw infection isn’t enough to make you quit smoking you deserve every second of conversation you get.
You put yourself in this position (of having to have a job to earn money) by not having parents that are millionaires. Idiot. But this doesn’t mean you have to put up with Carol’s scrapbooking ass. There are a million ways to avoid a person and you are going to need to use each and every one of them to get away from this walking billboard for prescription pills. Just remember that you have a right to work and a right to work without fear of hearing about how cute Jeff Probst is.
Brent is a comedy writer based in Nevada. Follow him on Twitter: @Brentweets.