Privilege comes in all shapes and sizes and having some parents is one of those sizeshapes. I get it, your mom is really mean, but at least she gives you bread and didn’t leave you on the street where cats could get you. The ragamuffins on this list didn’t have anyone like that and as a result cats have terrorized them all their lives both metaphorically and literally. All alone, through sheer will and determination, these strays have raised themselves to cat-free heights, and it is this exact pluckiness and gumption that lands them in our Orphan Hall of Fame.
10. LUKE SKYWALKER
Some people might think that the most famous Jedi of all time would rank higher on this list but you would also think that the most famous Jedi of all time wouldn’t cry or kiss his sister as much as this guy. Still, a pretty solid orphan who loved to try.
Easily the least grumpy orphan in the bunch, this redheaded pistol is down to sing even when her foster parents are emotionally abusing her. She enjoys dabbling in amateur meteorology and is the only orphan Franklin Delano Roosevelt ever looked in the eye.
You think Steven Segal is tough? Beowulf literally got naked, ripped a troll’s arm off, and then killed the troll’s mom. That’s the story. I read it in school. I copied someone’s notes in school.
If you were an orphan who would you want for a parent? A panther? A wolf? How about both, Bro? HOW ABOUT IF YOUR BEST FRIEND WAS A BEAR?!?! AHHHHHHHHHH MOWGLI IS SO COOL!!!!!!!
6. BABE RUTH
The bambino, the sultan of swat, the baseball Wayne Gretzky… Babe Ruth went by many names but he was the only man to hit 714 homeruns with no dad. The Butterfinger chocolate bar was named after him, and Bronx natives affectionately refer to Yankee Stadium as “The Place Where Ruth Ate.“
When it comes to wealthy orphans who dress up like bats and perform nocturnal vigilante justice there are only a few names in the game and Batman is right near the top of that list. This lonely boy proves, even if your parents are cavalier about what alleys they lead you down, you can overcome any situation with the right attitude and a billion dollars.
4. OLIVER TWIST
Please, Sir, I want some more… Oliver Twist because he is a great orphan! He might eat a little more gruel than these other waifs but this kid has a sorrowful countenance that is perfect for padding funeral numbers. Not to mention his unblemished innocence means you can trick him into doing pretty much any crime!
3. HARRY POTTER
Everyone is sexually attracted to wizards, whether it’s Gandalf, Merlin, or Jafar, we’ve all had that dream. But there is literally no wizard on earth as sexy as Harry Potter. Hey ladies, like a dude with two sides? This guy has a scar made of lightning that he hides under his bangs.
2. HUCKLEBERRY FINN
There are a few scamps on this list but this guy is a real widow’s nightmare. Swearin’, smokin’, dressing like a girl, faking his death, he really did it all. Sure, he might steal a few chickens and watermelons, but he will also enlighten you about the inherent hypocrisy of racism. Orphan purists will point out that technically Huck had a dad but he was so drunk it doesn’t count, asshole.
Though he was only an orphan for about the length of a paddleboat ride, Moses still takes the top spot in our list. I’m sure people are going to say he’s only here because he’s God’s friend but that simply isn’t true. Moses. Was. A. Beauty. He’s the only person on this list who can boss an ocean, lead the Israelites to the land of milk and honey, and make rain be frogs. He also invented cross-fit by carrying a heavy thing down a mountain. Give it up for Moses.