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The 10 Most Worthless College Majors

The 10 Most Worthless College Majors:

It could be argued that all college majors are worthless at this point. And while that’s not exactly a pro-social view on the world, point taken.

But even those with this cynical view of the American education system will admit (when they’re drunk) that some degrees are more useful than others. Specifically, degrees that cure diseases, build products, make computers…you know, do stuff. Those majors are on another, less interesting list of degrees. On this list are degrees that only a moron would choose.


sports management drunk

Why it won’t help you get a job:
Somehow you’re under the impression that there aren’t millions of people who are interested in getting a job in sports. This is you: “Hmm what should I major in? I like sports, what about that?” You’re the George Costanza of career selection. But with less street smarts and real-life experience.

What job you’ll end up with:
You’ll get an internship with some team that can profit off of your $0-salaried-back for a couple months and then get quickly discarded because oh wait, there are about a million new sports management graduates running up your back. Then you’ll return to your hometown and become the unpaid assistant football coach and try to bang high school girls.


communications major drunk

Why it won’t help you get a job:
Did you notice how you were surrounded by college athletes in all of your classes? That’s because it’s a joke major. The only difference is that they all have a chance get paid playing professional sports while you’re getting laughed out of job interviews after they read the first line of your résumé.

What job you’ll end up with:
Since you chose communications as your major you clearly have no career plan in mind. But to be fair, nobody knows what jobs a communications degree is supposed to lead to in the first place. (That’s because it’s a joke major.) So in the meantime, you’re going to communicate with some customers at the local Radio Shack (if it still exists.)


english major high

Why it won’t help you get a job:
This one’s pretty self-explanatory. When’s the last time any of your friends read a book? Exactly.

What job you’ll end up with:
The best job you could even hope for is high school English teacher, and all of those jobs are filled by tenured teachers who show “Shakespeare in Love” twice a semester and people who are, you know, in education. So you’ll move to New York to “practice your craft” and in the meantime do some serious soul searching as a “dog walker.”


foreign language major worthless

Why it won’t help you get a job:
Everyone already knows English. Like way better than you know English. And they know their own language way WAY better than you’ll ever know their language. So what exactly are you trying to prove here?

What job you’ll end up with:
Unless you happened to major in Arabic, the chances you ever use your second language to do anything other than to try to impress some drunk girl who was never going to sleep with you anyway is nil. You’re going to be in insurance. That is your life now.


general studies major worthless

Why it won’t help you get a job:
Let’s do a little role-playing. Say you’re an employer, looking for a new employee. A young man comes into your office holding a resume that says he got a degree from Pay-Your-Way University in general studies. Would you hire him? In fact, why would you even call him in for an interview? Don’t be an idiot.

What job you’ll end up with:
You thought you’d come out of college prepared for any job but in reality you’re prepared for no job. Well except for working in a general store so congrats you’re the new puke cleanup boy at the Dollar Tree.


geography worthless major

Why it won’t help you get a job:
The College Board’s website has an upbeat outlook on geography majors: “If you think geography is all about staring at maps and memorizing state capitols, you couldn’t be more wrong. As a geography major, you’ll study a wide variety of subjects: deserts in the making, the causes of racially segregated housing, the paths of tornados, and the way international trade agreements affect business in a small town.” People who study tornadoes are called meteorology majors. Deserts? Environmental science. Causes of segregation? Yeah that’s history. Sorry geography is still just maps.

What job you’ll end up with:
Since you’re just a junior varsity learner of all of those things besides maps, it’s not looking good for you. You know, because all of the maps are already made. Maybe you can sell some maps? At like a state capitol or something?


religion major worthless

Why it won’t help you get a job:
“Young people are disenfranchised. Church attendance is falling. Religious organizations are shutting down all over the place. I know, I’ll major in religion!” Why don’t you just major in landline telephones or Blockbuster management?

What job you’ll end up with:
Well all the Blockbusters are shut down so that’s out. No preacher/reverend/rabbi/abbot/pope is giving up their post without the sweet release of death. And you’re a little old to be a choirboy… There’s a church next to the cemetery, how do you feel a career in dead bodies?


film major worthless

Why it won’t help you get a job:
It’s like you don’t even live in the real world. Nobody cares about your “light-hearted romp into the crazy world of left-handed coloring book industry.” Also, someone on YouTube already did that.

What job you’ll end up with:
You’ll move to LA with your “crew” and while you work on your “film” you’ll take many unpaid parts in “independent projects” that will lead to your eventual career in “porn.”


philosophy major worthless

Why it won’t help you get a job:
You knew you weren’t getting a job when you signed up for this one. But if you would have chosen a more useful degree that would have gotten in the way of your pot-smoking and Mario Kart-playing and sex-having. Haha just kidding about that sex part.

What job you’ll end up with:
To be employed or to not be employed, that is the question. And since your mom kicked you out of the “garage that is so sweet it’s almost like I have my own apartment dude” then you’re going to have to go with the employment option. And by employment I mean working in a tollbooth.


sociology major worthless

Why it won’t help you get a job:
Ah you studied social behavior in college. Not like in the dorms, but in a classroom. You actually paid for classes to study social behavior when social behavior is literally around you at every turn. Smart move.

What job you’ll end up with:
As a social scientist you are qualified for many jobs. For example, have you thought about a career in telemarketing? With this unique opportunity you will have the chance to get hung up on by thousands of real life human beings. And since you’re a sociologist, it will just augment your understanding of the human race and not lead directly to your grisly suicide in six months. Like at all.

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