Every perpetual worrier’s brain is hungry for irrational thoughts, and the Google search results for symptoms are an all you can panic buffet. These are the unfortunate phases you’re likely to endure if you Google the random things your body is feeling.
Sometimes you’re genuinely curious what the random pain in the left side of your temple is all about. And sometimes life has been going a little too well, and you’re like, hmm, what’s the catch, let me see what ways I’m potentially dying.
You’re going to perform this search, knowing good and well you probably won’t like what you see. It’s like setting an alarm to wake for the gym at 5am – you’re planning to put yourself through some unpleasant discomfort, but that’s not for Presently In The Moment to worry about.
3. Diving in.
You have several tabs open, clicking on anything that looks even remotely informative. Pain in left temple could be a tumor? clicks Pain in left temple could be sign of looming aneurism? clicks Even completely unrelated results get your attention. Pain in left knee could be patellar tendonitis? *clicks, because the only thing worse than a cancerous brain tumor would be a cancerous brain tumor with a side of tendonitis.
ACCORDING TO WEBMD OR YAHOO! ANSWERS OR WHATEVER SHMUCK ON SOME RANDOM MESSAGE BOARD SAID, YOU DEFINITELY, MIGHT, POSSIBLY, POTENTIALLY COULD HAVE VARIOUS TERMINAL ILLNESSES.
5. Google Image traumatization.
You click on the Images tab and get sucked into a shitstorm of medical carnage. Nothing really looks like what you have but you keep zooming in on genital warts and hernial prolapses because let’s face it you hate yourself.
6. Bonus symptoms caused by looking up your original symptoms.
Racing heart. Feeling weak, faint, and dizzy. Chest pains. Breathing difficulties. Feeling a loss of control. Searching your symptoms has now given you new symptoms, all of which are cohesive with, ding! ding! ding! you guessed it – a panic attack! A symptom search induced panic attack!
7. Seeking out help in all the wrong places.
WebMD has sufficiently frightened you, now it’s time to look elsewhere for solutions. Suddenly you find yourself watching old episodes of House hoping to witness an unconventional cure for your hypothetical illness. Then you live chat with some sketchy “doctor” from “India” and ask Siri to recommend over-the-counter drugs. If the move is irrational, you’re making it.
8. Fantasizing about what you should do with your time left on earth.
Should you travel? Should you just give up now and lie in bed until it’s over? Where should you have your ashes spread? Should you tell anyone? Should you tell everyone? Will your girlfriend finally have a threesome with you?
9. Imagining how everyone you know will handle life after your death.
Will Diane from high school who you haven’t seen in years but used to have in your Top 8 on MySpace attend your funeral? How long will it take your girlfriend to start dating other, aliver dudes? Should you delete your browser history in case you die earlier than expected?
10. Realizing your symptoms went away while you were busy worrying about dying.
Oh, wait, you’re fine. Whatever death sentence you were worried about has faded, and now you’re back on schedule to die later in life, or at the very least, in a sudden, unforeseeable way. You’re happy you don’t have a terminal illnesses, but more excited you don’t have to go to the doctor.