Coming up with a name for a new baby is an agonizing process which often leads parents to simultaneously murder each other. But, let’s face it, babies need names. To make matters worse, in most cultures, it’s the parents’ duty to name their own babies instead of waiting for the baby to name themselves.
In a perfect world parents could name every boy Kent and every girl The Denver Broncos and be done with it. But our world is far, far from perfect. It’s tricky. You don’t want too common of a name, yet only celebrities can pull off the really unusual stuff like “Blanket” and “Gary.” Parents can try to find the middle ground between basic and bizarre by making minor spelling changes to common names, such as adding an F to Jeff to make it “Jefff” or adding an F to Steve to make it “Fsteve.”
Another option is to let a stranger from the Internet name your baby. That’s where I come in. I’ve been called a lot of things, and “great name making man” is all of them. There are enough names on this list to have you covered for your first 20 kids. If you have any more than that, you will unfortunately have to put them up for adoption. Here are the 20 hottest baby names of 2015, according to me.
MEANING: “Wasp-filled taco.”
MEANING: “One who breffs.”
MEANING: “Constantly screaming for oatmeal.”
MEANING: “She who is a baby.”
MEANING: “Lord of lightning and sweet corn.”
MEANING: “A covered area adjoining an entrance to a building and usually having a separate roof. Oh wait, that’s a porch.”
MEANING: “Little brundle of joy.”
MEANING: “Pancake thief.”
MEANING: “Undisputed king of casseroles.”
MEANING: “The lamp-maker’s secret.”
MEANING: “God’s favorite ice cream toppings.”
MEANING: “Brutal conquerer of the hat industry.”
SEX: Boy (obviously)
MEANING: “Fantastic quilt.”
NAME: Bremm SEX: Girl
MEANING: “Swamp friend.”
MEANING: “Extremely ducklike.”
MEANING: “Easily blown away by high winds due to excess skin.”
MEANING: “Permanently tangled up in Christmas lights.”
MEANING: “Rubbermaid tote with a mismatched lid that has to be duct taped on.”
MEANING: “Grandfather of all clouds.”
If none of these names suit you, may I suggest simply closing your eyes, spinning in a circle, opening your eyes, and naming your child after the first thing you see. “Grandfather Clock,” “Bag of Spoons,” or “A Baby” would all make wonderful names, and you’ll have a great story to boot. Otherwise, consider going nameless. It seems to work just fine for deer and bikes.
Jacy is a Facebook warrior and a sprots fan. Follow him on Twitter: @ieatanddrink.