If you haven’t seen the Netflix documentary series Making a Murderer by now you’ve probably been on a submarine the last few weeks. Social media is exploding with opinions, and whether you think Steven Avery did it or not, everyone seems to agree that something fishy is going on in Manitowoc county.
The show provides us with some of the most disgusting and roastable characters we’ve seen in a while, but unlike scripted television where the bad guys always seem to get what’s coming to them, MaM doesn’t provide the same satisfying conclusion. It’s frustrating, but at the end of the day the only thing we can do to feel better about these corrupt officials is destroy them with our words.
6) Judge Patrick Willis
This goof is bad at being a judge. Let’s just start there. Let’s ignore the fact that he looks like Robert Crumb. Let’s ignore the fact that his head is so small he wears hats made for babies. Let’s even ignore the gravy stain he calls a moustache. He’s just bad at being a judge and judging things, and since that’s literally his job, it’s enough to make him asshole number six.
5) Chief Deputy Eugene Kusche
This muppet paid actual money to frame the sketch he did of Steven Avery even though it looks like he traced it from Highlights Magazine. No child in the history of the world has ever been as proud of their shitty drawing as this grown man is. It may just be his way of compensating for the fact that his chin is melting like a clock in a Salvador Dalí painting.
4) Lieutenant James Lenk
This buffoon is a lot like cocaine because he’s white, dusty, and just happens to be on the scene whenever something sketchy is going on. He looks like if Mr. Clean never learned about exercise. His head is so shiny he has to sprint towards shelter every time he sees a crow coming. I’d say he’s the worst cop in Wisconsin but he missed out on that honor thanks to…
3) Sergeant Andrew Colborn
This assbag looks like someone painted Dracula’s hairline on a hard-boiled egg. They gave him a gun and a badge but he isn’t even qualified to answer the phone and write down a message. He is quite literally less qualified for police work than your voicemail.
2) Prosecutor Ken Kratz
This dicknose did everything in his power to make number one on our list and he couldn’t even get that right. He resigned from his job in disgrace after getting caught sexually harassing women, but you already knew that from looking at the disaster growing on his upper lip. He looks like Mr. Feeny got stung by a bunch of bees. And his voice makes all the world’s vaginas shudder in unison.
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1) Attorney Len Kachinsky
This shitweasel … where do you even start? Imagine if someone made a ventriloquist dummy based on William H Macy and it came to life and barely squeaked through law-school. Defense attorneys aren’t supposed to coerce fake confessions out of learning-disabled teenagers but old Len didn’t get that memo, and he couldn’t even do that right. Hopefully at the end of all of this he’ll be disbarred and put back in his traveling case where he belongs.