All right, folks, let’s break the fourth wall here and get serious about relationships. With Valentine’s Day a mere day away, it’s about time someone threw out more than just the cliched gifts and platitudes card and gave it to you straight. No nonsense. No cheap chocolates. No heart shaped balloons, or stuffed fucking bears; we’re about to unload the ultimate advice for Valentine’s Day - for every day - that’ll ensure you get laid more than once a year.

You ready for it?

Do the simple things. The easy things. The things that take absolutely no time at all but pay back in spades. Give her a break; let her put that maid’s uniform to better use:

Do the Dishes

Unless it costs the better part of a paycheck and sits motionless in the closet, women don’t particularly enjoy clutter. Especially clutter that has the potential to grow alternate forms of life the longer it sits. Doing the dishes is an unpracticed male art, but it’s one that will score you major points every once in a while. Done with a plate? Wash it, dry it, put it away; that’s less than a minute of your time. If you have a dishwasher, even better. Women are such a foreign species when it comes to turn-ons that unloading it from time to time will get you laid.

Throw It in the Hamper

We men have a natural tendency to start shedding clothes from the moment we walk in the door to the time we sit down on the couch in our underwear with a beer and a baseball game. The hamper isn’t exactly a natural place for us to put them, not when the floor seems so vacant and destitute. Except that she’ll inevitably come by and pick them up and put them in the hamper and eventually wash them for us, so the least we can do is save her the trouble of having to touch our sweaty socks and questionable underwear more than once.

Put the Toilet Seat Down

If you’ve ever had to deal with a woman who just fell straight into dirty toilet water then you’ve seen the face of pure evil. This is the carnal sin of boyfriend etiquette. While pooping is the crowning achievement of mankind, urinating is nothing more than an inconvenient but necessary habit we all must endure. As such, we ignore common courtesy and neglect our female companions. Putting the toilet seat down accounts for a fraction of your earthly existence, but not doing it will inevitably beget at least a week of painful silence and unholy death stares. The only greater crime is not putting it up at all and having her sit in your liquid waste. That sounds horrible, right?

Clean the Toilet

While we’re on the subject of toilets, cleaning it every so often isn’t going to kill you. All things being equal, you probably do the most structural damage to the thing, so throwing on a pair of rubber gloves and picking up a toilet brush is the equivalent of, say, an oil change. It’s messy, but it must be done to ensure proper engine function. She probably cleans everything else, and it’s not like you’re dusting the vanity. Put simply, it’s going to be you in the backyard knee-deep in shit when the septic tank blows so you might as well delay that as long as possible.

Empty the Garbage

We have a natural tendency to make a game out of everything; we like winning, but playing a game like Garbage Jenga is a losing effort on two fronts. Number one: no garbage can, bag or dumpster will ever hold more than its capacity. Number two: stacking an overfilled garbage can until it literally explodes onto the floor is a total piss-off for the women in our lives. We don’t care because living in filth is a secondary concern; roof, food, beer is all we really need. Basic sanitary conditions are a mere afterthought, but replacing the garbage bag is, what, a knot and a heave? Instead of gambling on the inevitable toppling of the pail, put your garbage bins 20 feet away from the door and start banking threes off the garage.