Poker, five-card fib, liar’s chess - no matter what you call it, it’s an excellent way to spend time with your friends. More and more people across the globe are shufflin’, blufflin’, and can’t-get-enouglin’, so chances are pretty good you already have your own weekly game. The rules vary from region to region, but the players always remain the same.
THE OLD SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN
His name is something like Tiberius Derbywood and he wears a white linen suit no matter the weather. He always asks the host for a cocktail made with bourbon and sweet lilac juice, then acts surprised when beer is the only available beverage. He deplores tobacco smoke but keeps a sterling silver snuff container next to his chips and fondles it whenever he has a good hand.
As a child he was tormented by his genetically superior classmates, which forced him to spend most of his time alone. His great intellect could be used as a force for good, but his hatred for his fellow man transformed his brain into a sharp instrument hell-bent on revenge. He spends his non-poker time trying to harness the weather or create a black hole. The only reason he attends the weekly game is to keep up his appearance as a typical citizen and shake any nosey do-gooders off his trail.
THE EXTREME TRAVELER
He shows up to every game smelling like a bus station, and always keeps his frame pack within arms reach. He tries to pay his buy-in with currency from a country you’ve never heard of. Every single week he mentions that he learned how to play poker in a German hostel during a meteor shower. He has an anecdote for any situation, but they all seem to end with him finding a secret beach, or accidently eating too many drugs.
THE JANIS JOPLIN
This guy is a lady, and that’s not the only trick up her flowy sleeves. She’s hung with the boys her whole life, and that means that she’s really good at swearing. She drinks an entire bottle of Southern Comfort during the game, but it doesn’t affect her play whatsoever. She says “that’s what she said” more than all of the men at the table combined.
It’s only been a few months since his beloved wife passed and it’s way too soon for this guy to be out and about. His eyes are constantly filled to the brim with tears. He folds his hand every time he’s dealt a queen. He says the table reminds him of her green eyes and then excuses himself to the washroom for 25 minutes. Nobody has the heart to tell him to stay home, but fortunately, his mind is too crippled to think about poker strategy, so he’s usually eliminated within the first hour.