My single guy friends tell me there are no good girls to date. There are good girls to sleep with but none to date. This infuriates me, because guys are all looking for the same girl. The “perfect” girl who rolls out of bed, throws on jeans and looks amazing. She doesn’t need makeup, just ChapStick. She never works late, is never too tired and never has a period. She never has any sort of problem that requires emotional support. She’s easygoing. She loves beer. And sports. And your friends. Well, guys, that girl doesn’t exist—actually, she might, but not in the quantity required to meet the needs of every single guy in America. So the advice I give my male friends is that it’s time to get creative. Maybe you’re overlooking someone.
A few years ago I had minor surgery. A guy I’d been dating only a few weeks came with me to the hospital because I had to be put under. Being under around a new boyfriend made me nervous. I was worried I’d say something insane, like “I love you.” And follow it up with “It’s not the anesthesia. As soon as I get this IV out, let’s drive to Vegas and get married.” Unfortunately I didn’t say either of those things. Instead, after the anesthesiologist had gotten me good and stoned, I told my new beau I wanted to go to a nearby cat shelter. He said it wasn’t a good idea; I already had two cats. I begged him. I told him I wasn’t going to get another cat; I just wanted to look! Apparently, from what the nurses told me, I was pretty adamant. He suggested we do it another time. Annoyed, I told him, “Fine, but if I ever have a million dollars, I’m going to buy a boat and fill it with a hundred cats.” Then I fell asleep. Now, this is one of the stories that has earned me the nickname Cat Lady. It’s enough to turn the page, right? Blow right past me. I get it. I once had a guy break it off after he saw my dead cat Emmett’s newly minted gravestone on my kitchen counter. But should this really have sent the guy running? I don’t think so. I think cat ladies are “perfect” ladies in the rough—and I can prove it.
A truly easygoing person isn’t defined by wearing only ChapStick. An easygoing person is someone who doesn’t compare herself to anyone else. Now, we live in a dog world. The internet has created a sort of cat renaissance, but for the most part, cat ladies are swimming upstream, going against the pet-owner grain. And that is the kind of girl you want. Why would you want a dog lady? She always has to go home and let her dog out. It gets jealous and bites. It has to be walked. It barks. You always have to stay at her place. Cat ladies are cool. We’re not up at the crack of dawn to drag you on a hike with our dumb dog. We’re cuddlers! Cats are soft. And tired all the time. We, and our cats, like to sleep in and be lazy. We don’t have to get up and let our cats out. Cats shit in boxes! You can’t get lazier than that.
Cats are also the most aloof pets. This aloofness makes them independent. And cat owners admire this independence because they themselves are independent. You don’t want a woman who has to be attached at the hip. And guess what—Cat Lady can’t be attached at the hip, because she has a reason to go home in the morning. Actually, I have two reasons. But don’t worry. If you want to go away for a weekend, I can go. And unlike Dog Lady, I won’t bring my cats. I’ll leave them at home, because cats can take care of themselves, like their owners.
Cat ladies are willing to clean up urine, vomit and feces that didn’t come from them. You can’t show us anything we haven’t seen. We’re unflappable. I gave my cat Emmett insulin shots every 12 hours for six years. We’re caretakers. If you’re sick, I’ll give you medicine. If you’re good, I’ll give you a treat. If you’re drunk and piss your pants, I’ll throw them in the laundry and pretend it didn’t happen. Cat ladies will take care of you. They want to take care of you.
And I’d like to remind you: “Doggy” is a style, but if you’re good at it, they say you’re a “tiger in the sack.”
Now, I’m not a crazy cat lady, just a cat lady. So if a girl calls her cats “fur babies” or has a cat stroller (I had one for a short time before I realized it was a mistake), then maybe it’s not going to work. But have an open mind about cat ladies. A lot of qualities you’re looking for in a woman could be in your own backyard…literally. One of her cats could have escaped and she might be looking for him back there. Or she could be at your gym or office or living in your building. Maybe she’s buzzing the Chinese take-out guy in right now. Go find her! Just bring a lint roller.