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The Joys of Having Sex With Ugly People: Getty Images

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Sex

The Joys of Having Sex With Ugly People

This begins the way many good sex stories do: A young woman was sitting alone at a bar. 

She (I) spotted a man who promptly induced a fluttering between my legs, so much so that I had to cross them to keep my girlish excitement from working its way up through my chest and planting itself on my cheeks as two pink disks. This man had a good sense of humor—I’d been eavesdropping on his banter with the bartender and smiling every so often in acknowledgment of a punch line—and he gripped his drink with a tensed thumb and pointer finger, as if his entire body were charged. 

He was also ugly.

Not sexy ugly in a cow-eyed Javier Bardem just-left-of-handsome way. And he didn’t possess an intriguing imperfection, such as a snaggletooth à la Jewel or Joaquin Phoenix’s harelip. This man was thin-lipped and beady-eyed, with chunky thighs that caused his slacks to gather in the center and hike at the ankles. While this may be some women’s dream, it’s not mine. He was ugly—to me. And so was the sex we had that night. 

It was sweaty and loud, because that’s how I wanted it to be. That tingle when I saw him? That was because I knew I could be raunchy with this guy. I felt every little thing he did to me, because I wasn’t tensing up in anticipation of having to hold tight in case my orgasm was too intense and thus unbecoming. I sat on his face, something I had always wanted to do but was afraid would be a turnoff to someone I was interested in seeing long-term. How could I grind my wet hot vagina into a face so beautiful? What if, from that angle, he could see the leftovers of last month’s monolithic period pimple underneath my jawline? That night, I didn’t care. And I hadn’t even waxed.

It was “very fun and freeing,” a young woman said of a successful romp she’d had during a girls’ getaway to Vermont. Matt, whom she did not find physically attractive, helped her live out a fantasy. “By the time the girls were finished skiing, I had staked out a spot at the bar and scoped a crew of guys exclusively for their thick blue-collar Boston accents. I’d always wanted to be tied up by a construction worker who talked like Mark Wahlberg in Fear. We invited them back to our house. Matt and I had some good drunken sex, we passed out, and the next morning we parted ways. I spent the rest of the day getting stoned with my girlfriends and laughing about our antics.”

The same can go for boys. “The first time I went on an OkCupid date, it was with a girl who didn’t look at all like the pictures,” a male friend told me. “She was beautiful at some point, but she’d gained a lot of weight, and I didn’t find her attractive. She was very nice and talkative, though. We ended up in her apartment, and she gave me one of the best blow jobs I’ve ever had in my life. I’ve never really liked blow jobs, but after that experience…she changed me.”

I too was changed by my thin-lipped lover: I went on a date with him. And then another.