Gentlemen: Like the Carries and Mirandas and Charlottes of yore, if you’re a man and you play fantasy football — and there are quintillions of you who do — you fall into one of these classes of players, so helpfully defined by FXX’s The League. So when you venture out into the world and try your luck with women, just know that they will automatically file you as a Ruxin or a Taco and categorize you as Start, Bench or Trade, depending on how you perform in the real-life combine.

Rodney Ruxin

Pros: Decent wardrobe, well-manicured, probably smells like Acqua Di Gio. Has white collar job, owns house in the suburbs - or will own house if he keeps said job and pays the mortgage.
Cons: Devious, disingenuous, selfish, whiny, sore loser; prick. Also: his brother-in-law Rafi
Start, Bench or Trade: TRADE

Taco MacArthur

Pros: Free spirit, unshakeable self confidence, spontaneous, possesses endless supply of weed. Has amazing game/fearlessness in approaching women, tons of casual sex.
Cons: Has tons of casual sex; permanently stoned; questionable personal hygiene, employment, residence, football knowledge.
Start, Bench or Trade: START

Kevin MacArthur

Pros: Is an assistant district attorney, married to Jenny, totally wife malleable; a harmless, goofy klutz.
Cons: Flatulent, experiences “fear boners,” gets all his football knowledge from his wife. A little too involved in a seemingly one-sided bromance with fellow League-r, Pete.
Start, Bench or Trade: BENCH

Pete Eckhart

Pros: Gainfully employed, secret hopeless romantic; well-groomed; inventive (he is the creator of the “Sacko”); master of the ultimate sneaky player trade.
Cons: Will trick you into doing something you don’t want to do, divorced, has a fear of commitment, an interesting bromance with Kevin, also experiences “fear boners.”
Start, Bench or Trade: START

Dr. Andre Nowzick

Pro: Is a plastic surgeon, could theoretically save/enhance lives; happy go-lucky, trainable.
Cons: Terrible dresser, wears offensively strong cologne, bald, refers to himself in third person, has poisonous semen.
Start, Bench or Trade: BENCH


Pros: Intensity, good head of hair, loyal friend
Cons: Below-average intelligence, no personal boundaries, very questionable taste in sexual partners.
Start, Bench or Trade: DISOWN.

Jenny MacArthur

Pros: Hot, fit, knows football, has a modern/low maintenance approach to motherhood, sometimes fantasizes about women
Cons: Married to Kevin, swears like a sailor
Start, Bench or Trade: START

Kara Warner is an LA-based writer/reporter whose favorite things include: Brienne of Tarth, pigeons and everything about the impending NFL season. Follow her at @karawarner