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The Most Vile, Heinous Jokes from Justin Bieber’s Comedy Central Roast

The Most Vile, Heinous Jokes from Justin Bieber’s Comedy Central Roast:

On Saturday evening, Comedy Central Roast Master Kevin Hart led Hannibal Buress, Chris D’Elia, Pete Davidson, Snoop Dogg, Natasha Leggero, Ludacris, Shaquille O’Neal, Jeffrey Ross and Martha Stewart through a series of jokes aimed both at roastee Justin Bieber and at each other. Some of the best jokes of the night were also the meanest or the most provocative — though good taste may prevail and a few of these will be left on the editing room floor when Comedy Central trims this down to 90 minutes for its premiere on March 30, here are some of the craziest lines from Saturday night.

Hannibal Buress: “Snoop, the only way you’ll get another hit is if you stand behind Suge Knight’s car in a parking lot.”

Natasha Leggero: “Justin, Selena Gomez had to fuck you. She is literally the least lucky Selena in all of entertainment history.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Justin, as a father of six you have to straighten up, son. Last year, you were ranked the fifth most hated person of all time. Kim Jong-un didn’t rank that low, and he uses your music to torture people.”

Jeff Ross: “Even when you went to Anne Frank’s house there were people waiting outside. I wish they were the same people waiting for Anne Frank. Seriously, if she had heard your music she would’ve Uber’d to Auschwitz.”

Kevin Hart: “This is my best slave voice because that’s what Hannibal looks like.”

Snoop Dogg: “Justin, you’ve made so many unwatchable videos you should change your name to Vanilla ISIS.”

Jeff Ross: “Shaq is the original 2 Chainz because that’s how he was brought into this country.”

Kevin Hart: “Martha Stewart had her shirt off in my dressing room. Don’t get the wrong idea – she just wanted me to titty fuck her.”

Pete Davidson: “Shaq, thanks for being here and taking a break from throwing barrels at Super Mario… Sorry, please don’t eat me.”

Ludacris: “Honestly Justin, I feel bad kicking you while you’re down, but you want to be black so you better get used to it.”

Natasha Leggero: “Justin’s fans are called Beliebers because it’s politically incorrect to use the word retards.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Justin you’ve been on Ellen more than a pussy juice mustache.”

Kevin Hart: “Please welcome future rapist Chris D’Elia.”

Martha Stewart: “Natasha, I do a lot of gardening and you are without a doubt the most used up hoe I’ve ever seen.”

Justin Bieber: “Martha, thanks for coming. I know that’s something you don’t do much anymore.”

Snoop Dogg: “When your momma was 17 years old and got pregnant, everybody told her to get an abortion, and they still trying to convince her right now.”

Jeff Ross: “You know what I am a Belieber in? Second chances. You are so talented. You are worth saving. So stop racing your Lambo at 200 miles per hour. Go for 250. What could possibly go wrong? Just ask Ludacris. Move bitch get out the way is what Paul Walker should have told that tree. What? Too soon? Too fast? Too furious?”

Kevin Hart: “Justin is the sort of guy who lives for the sound of teen girls screaming in arenas. And the sound of pedestrians screaming on his windshield.”

Natasha Leggero: “Chris D’Elia finally answers the question ‘What if Dane Cook had half the talent and a rich father?’ Wait – let me just take a moment to explain to the black guys what a father is.”

Chris D’Elia: “Justin, you’re about to get fucked harder than Orlando Bloom fucked Selena Gomez.”

Martha Stewart: “You’d never know that Snoop is 43 now, which is three times longer than dogs live and twice as long as most of his friends.”

Justin Bieber: “My biggest regret is plowing my Maserati into Jeff Ross’s Saturn in the parking lot. Jeff, I feel really bad because I don’t know where you’re going to sleep tonight, man.”


Emily Zemler is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles. She has written for Esquire, ELLE, The Hollywood Reporter and Nylon, and is currently working on her first book. Tweet to her at @emilyzemler.

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