Wow, Oscars night approaches us along with the decline of the human race and the ever-narrowing window of time before your ex remembers to change their wi-fi password even though they know you pass by on your way to work every morning and don’t have an accommodating data plan on your phone, which is still paid for by your parents. For one night, indulge in watching the other half congratulate themselves on learning to cry on cue and emote in sync to a Bjork song.

What I’m saying is, let’s drink.


• A presenter references a Facebook interface change
• For every ten times Chris Rock makes a reference to how white the Oscars are
• Someone thanks a Weinstein brother
• Someone calls Eddie Redmayne brave
• You disagree with any of the winners, ever


• There’s a musical opening number and Seth MacFarlane is allowed onstage
• A red carpet reporter plugs their own reality show or podcast
• Someone makes a misguided political endorsement in their speech
• Someone thanks a specific Weinstein brother
• DiCaprio starts to cry
• You can’t tell the difference between Brie Larson, Jennifer Lawrence and Saoirse Ronan
• A celebrity desperately tries to become a meme with “hilarious” “slips” of the “tongue”


• A presenter mispronounces a name, screams before announcing a name, or gives the winner a tense hug
• A white celebrity points out a lack of diversity and tweets something self congratulatory within twenty minutes
• There’s an overly long, tone-deaf tribute to David Bowie
• Someone asks Michael Fassbender how fass he bends and the entire audience bursts into laughter
• They show a clip of the animated cunnilingus scene from “Anomalisa"


• A presidential candidate is in the audience
• Someone who isn’t dead but their career is shows up in the “In Memoriam” slideshow and no one notices
• You actually saw “Brooklyn,” leave your home and do yourself a favor by getting takeout and watching “Mad Max” at your friend’s house instead
• When it’s over