*Q. *My girlfriend wants a tattoo – two eyeballs, one for each butt cheek. I don’t want to look at that bullshit every time we’re doing it doggy style. What should I do?

– B.Z., New York, New York

*A. *Pretend you’re getting a blow job. If she’s serious about this (which we doubt), keep her sober. If she goes through with it, stock up on crotchless panties.