Twitter Facebook Instagram Google+ Tumblr YouTube E-Mail WhatsApp Sign In Check Close snapchat
Search
Exit Clear
The Tasteful Nude The Tasteful Nude

A Few Words of Advice to the Couples in the Strip Club

A Few Words of Advice to the Couples in the Strip Club: Hair and Makeup by Emma Parkes

Hair and Makeup by Emma Parkes

Welcome to The Tasteful Nude, in which stripper, comedian and writer Kasey Koop gives us an unvarnished and often hilarious look at life onstage and backstage in L.A.’s strip club scene. Check back every Thursday afternoon for more.

For some strippers, couples are a specialty—an opportunity to make double the money and revel in charming twosomes. Not for me. In the presence of pairs, I feel less like a seductress and more like a monkey banging cymbals together. It’s not that couples are inherently annoying; it’s just that they often come laden with internal tensions that play out while I’m trying to do my job. Trust me, getting the stink eye from a customer whose boyfriend is giving me googly eyes is no fun. If this rings a bell, or if you’re curious about coming to a strip club with your significant other, please read on for the proper decorum, specially prepared for you by a professional third wheel.


THE BENEFITS
The presence of couples in the strip club can add welcome flavoring to a surprisingly banal environment. Some of my most supportive friends are couples who would visit me at work when I was new, letting me practice my lap dances on them and making it rain when I was still toddling in my heels. One of my favorite things about my club is its neighborhood bar vibe, which is due, in part, to the prevalence of female customers. Fellas who aren’t ordinarily “strip club guys” are comfortable there because it usually feels more like a party than a strip club. Though couples don’t always buy lap dances, their presence puts an emphasis on the performance aspect and can mean more stage money for the dancers. Bottom line: We don’t care who you are or what you look like, as long as you’re paying us.

THE DOWNSIDE
Here’s my problem with couples. Instead of spending money on the strippers, they often make out all over each other like the club is a free motel room. People forget that the strip club isn’t a brothel and no matter how comfortable we are with our sexuality, PDA is just gross. I once saw a wealthy-looking couple in their sixties come in fully clothed before the woman disrobed to a bustier and clear heels. She proceeded to perform the most lackluster lap dance I’ve ever seen, stopping only when management would scold them. Just like the bar is not BYOB, the strip club isn’t BYOLD (work it out). When the pair still wouldn’t quit, my coworker, who’s in her forties, told them to so the man condescended to her about the 19 years she had been dancing saying, “You must have had such a hard life. I feel sorry for you.” She assured him that it had actually been too easy, which is why she kept stripping.

When women actually do tip us, they often get super handsy, stuffing singles—singles, mind you—down our bikini bottoms. In which case, I’ll return their dollar like an ATM rejecting a crumpled bill. This pussy only accepts $100s. Reserve your singles for making it rain. I doubt this behavior is ill-intentioned, but my club’s no-touching policy is supposed to cover all patrons. Above anyone, women should understand how unpleasant being grabbed is. Not to mention the fierce passive-aggression of girls who feel threatened by us scantily clad vixens. Many suck their man’s tongue so hard that it looks like they’re trying to swallow it to prevent him from suggesting coming to the strip club ever again. Trust me, none of us is interested in your man. We’re putting on a sort of interactive improv show, except probably more funny.

THIRD WHEEL
Sometimes, following a couples lap dance, guys send their girlfriends back for another round, alone this time. I have rarely gotten through giving a lap dance to someone’s girlfriend without getting stopped halfway through. Some people prefer sitting and talking to being dry-humped, but I would much rather shake my ass than pull conversation out of it. A dude once sent me back to give his wife a dance who was clearly unhappy with the scenario, telling me how idiotic her husband was for bringing her there. Not only did she not let me near her, but she also spent the three minutes asking patronizing questions about my age and, “Do you even like this?” Yes, I do. But not when I have to be a couples’ therapist.

So much of the time, it feels like there is something going unsaid between partners in the club. I’m not judging jealousy, either, because I have been the jealous girlfriend. In fact, I’m the crazy bitch who throws a guy’s cell phone into traffic. But I make no bones about it and have never pretended to be the cool girlfriend when I’m uncomfortable with a situation. (Perhaps that’s why I’ve been single for so long.) Trapping others in your uncommunicative vortex is not just painfully awkward; it’s unfair. A coworker of mine once gave a lap dance to a younger pair and whenever her face would get close to the girl’s, said girl would whisper that her boyfriend mistreated her and she didn’t know what she was doing and that she was only there to please him. When the dancer’s face would get near the guy’s, he’d tell her how hot she was. Sometimes it seems like our customers are the ones who need the saving strippers so often get offered.

TIPPING TIPS
To all you lovers out there: You are more than welcome in the strip club, so long as you have the funds. We’re not your free Pornhub show, so buy lap dances or at least tip the girls onstage. Communicate with each other about your expectations beforehand and treat us with as much respect as we are giving you. Some strippers carry the weight of leading a double life to avoid getting disowned by family or sabotaging potential careers, so the last thing they need is to be belittled about their line of work.

One more thing. As for people in open relationships, don’t ask us to go home with you. Leaving with customers could put us in handcuffs, and I’m not talking about the furry kind.


Find more installments of the Tasteful Nude here.

RELATED: Strippers Tell Us Their Dirtiest Secrets


More From The Tasteful Nude See all The Tasteful Nude

Playboy Social

Never miss an issue. Subscribe and save today!

Loading...