What is it about teachers that drives men crazy? Is it the ill-fitting Anne Taylor Loft cardigan? That she still knows her multiplication tables and can answer 9 x 7 at the drop of a pin (63)? Maybe it’s just the fact that she has classroom discipline plan. Whatever it is, the teacher fetish is out there and more common than the lack of “sexy teacher” Halloween costumes would lead you to believe. I know first-hand.
I write, produce and act in a TV Land series called Teachers along with my comedy group the Katydids. Before that, though, I actually was an elementary school teacher in Chicago public schools. After many a days spent chasing after children and getting puked on, I would head to a bar to blow off some steam. Without fail, around 1 a.m. a guy would saddle up to me, probably in a last-ditch effort to get someone to go home with him, and ask me what my “story” was. As soon as I mentioned I taught fourth grade, his eyes would go wide and I suddenly went from a six to an irresistible ten. It was as if, instead of saying I was a teacher, I had said that I was a nymphomaniac sex researcher looking for test subjects.
Sometimes it took a little longer for the teacher turn ons to surface. Once, after hooking up with a guy, he told me he had climaxed thinking about me teaching. Another guy would intentionally say things to piss me off. I later learned that he did this because it turned him on when I talked to him like he was a kid who had gotten into trouble.
This made no sense to me because the reality of my everyday life as a teacher was the opposite of sexy. I constantly had magic marker ink on my hands. I wore the least sexy clothes to work because a) who cares, there were only a handful male teachers at the school and many of them smelled like lunch meat, and b) the few times I did wear a top that showed cleavage, I was so disgusted by catching fourth graders looking at my boobs that I swore to wear turtlenecks for life.
So what causes this intense sexual interest in my job? I’m no psychologist, but I suspect that hooking up with a teacher fulfills a common childhood fantasy. I mean, who didn’t have a crush on one of their teachers at some point? Or maybe it’s the unrealistic way teachers have been put on a moral pedestal. Why is it so taboo, and therefore alluring, for us to think about teachers as sexual beings? Google search “Teacher gets fired for racy pics on Facebook” and you’ll find scores of women whose less-than-virginal personal lives cost them their jobs.
The simple truth is that teachers are human. We have wants and desires, but there’s nothing about teachers that is any more freaky than any other profession. So take your mind out of the gutter. You’re not getting spanked or scolded or having Where the Red Fern Grows read aloud to you sensually. If you hook up with a teacher, you’re getting normal human woman sex.
Unless you ask her to keep the cardigan on.
Teachers Season 2 premieres tonight at 10/9 Central on TV Land.