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The Updated Ten Commandments

The Updated Ten Commandments: Paramount Pictures

Paramount Pictures

If there’s one thing we all love it’s taking something old and making it new again. Updates, sequels, prequels, and gritty reboots are making a killing at the box-office but the wave of nostalgia isn’t restricted to the movies. It’s time to refurbish all the dusty treasures and the Ten Commandments are no exception.

Here is a list of the new commandments, rewritten by a more modern and chill 2016 God.

OLD COMMANDMENT: You shall have no other gods before me

GOD: “You need to understand something, when these were first written almost everyone on the earth was really average. There just weren’t any incredible athletes or children that sing like grown-ups. Now that there is such a thing as a Ronda Rousey this seems kinda silly.”

NEW COMMANDMENT: You can have some gods

OLD COMMANDMENT: You shall not make idols

GOD: “Ok this one is a bit redundant. See above commandment for my feelings on this.”

NEW COMMANDMENT: You can have some idols

OLD COMMANDMENT: You shall not take the name of the Lord in vain

GOD: “Jesus I was so serious when I was younger. I was really insecure so when people would say anything negative about me it really knocked me on my ass. Now that I’m older I realize you can’t control that stuff, people are gonna say what they wanna say.”

“And, to be honest, I say “god damn it” when I stub my toe too.”

NEW COMMANDMENT: You can say my name in vain if you stub your toe

OLD COMMANDMENT: Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy

GOD: “Again, this has a lot to do with the time it was written. There wasn’t a lot going on during the Sabbath back then so I wasn’t really asking much. Now with football, and waterparks, and brunch… I don’t want to ruin everybody’s weekend.”

“All you need to do is remember the Sabbath. Shoot me a text or something and let me know you’re thinking about me.”

NEW COMMANDMENT: Remember the Sabbath but just remember it that’s enough

OLD COMMANDMENT: Honor your father and your mother

GOD: “I never had parents and when I wrote this I think I really resented the people who did. I would hear them complaining about their moms and dads and it made me furious. Now that I’ve watched parents and children interact for these thousands of years I totally get it. It can be… trying. I don’t expect you to “honor” them and make a big deal, just do your best to be polite. They made you.”

NEW COMMANDMENT: Don’t swear at your parents.

OLD COMMANDMENT: You shall not murder

GOD: “This one is staying. In fact, I want overenthusiastic law enforcement officers, governors in charge of death-row pardons, and international assassins to really listen up for a second: Stop it with all the murdering.”

NEW COMMANDMENT: Seriously don’t murder I’m getting mad

OLD COMMANDMENT: You shall not commit adultery

GOD: “I don’t know about this one anymore, things aren’t so black and white. In the time that’s passed since I wrote this I managed to impregnate a married woman so who am I to judge?”

NEW COMMANDMENT: It’s complicated

OLD COMMANDMENT: You shall not steal

GOD: “I meant this one too. Stealing is not okay. I don’t care if it’s from a rich old king, or a bank, or whatever. I’m not cool with Robin Hood. I don’t believe that’s how you solve your problems. Also, don’t give me this shit about being a ‘content aggregator.’”

NEW COMMANDMENT: You shall not steal OR aggregate

OLD COMMANDMENT: You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor

GOD: “This one is wordy but the sentiment remains. I watched all of “Making a Murderer” yesterday and I’m still riled up about it. Do not lie about your neighbors and definitely don’t frame them for murder.”

NEW COMMANDMENT: Don’t frame your neighbor for murder

OLD COMMANDMENT: You shall not covet

GOD: “Who wrote this, a freshman with a paperback about Marx tucked into his over-the-shoulder bag?”

“This sentiment is decidedly un-American and I’d like to distance myself from it. Coveting is the #1 fuel for the thirsty engine of commerce. If you don’t covet someone’s jet-ski you aren’t going to be motivated enough to acquire the necessary capital to get a jet-ski. Grow up.”

NEW COMMANDMENT: Coveting is good now

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