So you’ve decided to plunge into the awful, awful world of Tinder. Interesting choice, were you dropped as a child?
Regardless, you need to be sure you know what you’re getting into before you embark on this swipe-fest of a journey. Prepare your mind and prepare your heart. Here are ten things that happen when you make a Tinder profile.
1. You realize five good pictures of you don’t exist.
You’re a good-looking person, right? Well you definitely wouldn’t know that when you sit down and start trying to pick out five photos to put on your Tinder profile. Suddenly half your pictures look like you’re having a stroke and the other half look like you’re mid sneeze and somehow you’ve developed a lazy eye? Why does every photo of you now look like Sloth from the Goonies is melting?
2. You’re also suddenly the worst in the world at writing a bio.
It should be easy to write a few sentences about yourself, but somehow it’s like asking a gorilla to transcribe Latin. You just sit there staring at your phone, trying to figure out how to capture your essence in a couple of sentences. By the way, if you land on “living life to the fullest” just throw yourself off a bridge immediately.
3. You quickly learn that so many people are painfully boring.
Unless you’re just blindly swiping through photos without reading anything about them, you quickly realize that a lot of these people are just straight up idiots. How is the fact that you like coffee the most interesting thing you could write about yourself? Liking pizza isn’t a personality. And everyone knows that if your bio talks about how much you hate drama then you’re the most drama-filled person that’s ever walked the face of the earth.
4. And also don’t understand jokes at all.
You know it’s going to be a match made in heaven when you make a joke and it’s immediately responded to with a serious, genuine response. There’s nothing that drives home a punchline quite like having to explain a joke in excruciating detail. Of course there’s the chance that you’re just not funny but that’s a whole different set of problems.
5. You come across people you know, and it’s…awkward.
What do you do when you stumble across Janice who works in accounting? She’s seen you on here. You’ve now seen her. Do you have to just quit your job and move to a new city? It will be a new place to cry at least. Things couldn’t get anymore uncomfortable than this, right? Well…
6. You come across your ex, and it’s…depressing.
Oh boy this is where life truly becomes awful. You know that ex that just broke up with you because she needed time to herself and wasn’t looking for anything right now? Guess what? She’s looking and has time for other people! Now you have to decide if you should swipe right because what if she also swipes right? Are you going to get back together? But what if you swipe right and she doesn’t so now it feels like she’s broken up with you all over again. YOU’RE SPIRALING!
7. You get fooled by spam time and time again.
Oh wow this beautiful person just matched with you! You gotta come up with the perfect opening. You write it up, press send, and within moments you get a response! She’s totally in love with you! No wait. She’s suggesting you follow a link of six random letters and 13 random numbers to watch her webcam. It’s spam. You were in love with a spam bot. Love is dead.
8. You make dates and then almost instantly regret making them.
When you first get a match you’re so excited and start making plans. You’re both busy so you set the date a few days out. Then as it gets closer you realize the last thing you want to do is go on a date with this person you just met on Tinder. Why are you doing this? Why are you here? Wouldn’t you rather just stay home and play Xbox? You’re going to spend tens of dollars on a date you don’t like and come home sadder than when you left.
9. You give up.
After numerous bad dates, fake accounts, crazy people, and general awfulness, you decide enough is enough and you delete the app. You don’t need that anyway. Plus you met someone through mutual friends that you actually like. Things are looking up! This could be the one!
10. Until it all falls apart and you download it again.
She broke up with you after a few weeks. You’re sad and lonely. Should you take this time to work on yourself and heal your sad, little heart? NOPE! Time to reinstall that Tinder app and get back to swiping! It has to be better this time, right? RIGHT?