We all realize Facebook is a shitshow these days. But at this point we’ve invested so much time that we can’t just give up! Sure it would be great to delete our account and live life as it was intended but then who would like our food pics?!?
These are the 10 things you will never be able to avoid on Facebook.
1. Pictures of babies.
Try as you might you cannot avoid the millions of babies that are flooding the timelines of every Facebook user. “Why so many babies?” you may ask, or, “Where do they come from?” Well, a simple Google search can answer that for you but why people feel the need to post their babies on social media? Nobody knows.
2. Your rich friend who is going on vacation.
While you’re struggling to pay off your school loans and apartment rent, this asshole is getting on a plane to Rome. What the fuck did he do in his life that makes him so much better? Why can’t I go to Rome? Fuck.
3. Some guy who only talks about sports.
How do sports become that important to someone? Were you abandoned as a child? Only to be adopted by a wild pack of footballs?
4. The girl who is crying for attention but acts like she doesn’t want attention.
Why do this? Just because you’re sad doesn’t mean you’re going to get any special attention. Every Facebook user is a little sad on the inside, champ.
5. A longtime friend getting engaged.
Sweet. What a great way to start my day. That weird loser kid from high school is getting engaged to some beautiful girl while I’m watching Netflix with my cats. Looks like he’s got a great life ahead of him. I’ve got no clean mugs so I’ll just drink my coffee out of the coffee pot.
6. Terrible arguments.
You know these arguments, the ones that don’t matter and hardly make any sense, like “Cats are so much cooler than dogs!” or “Dubstep music is so mainstream and lame now!” Come on. You don’t need to pick cats over dogs or vice versa. They’re both fucking awesome.
7. Farmville/Candy Crush/I Am Very Sad And Lonely Please Love Me requests.
F off, random old lady. Stop sending me Farmville requests. I’m not going to visit your farm. I’m not going to harvest your crops either. I hope your crops die and you starve.
8. Someone talking about smoking weed.
Thanks for letting me know you’re getting high, kid-from-high-school-that-was-literally-always-high.” Really wasn’t expecting that.
9. Someone who really dislikes Obama.
This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
10. Family member commenting on your pictures.
There’s nothing better than mom telling you to “be careful” after posting a picture of you at the bar with some friends. Thanks mom, now that you mentioned it I was about to get into a sword fight with my eyes closed while having sex with an AIDs-ridden prostitute but thanks to your comment, now I won’t!
Eric is a comedy writer based in Michigan. Follow @dubstep4dads on Twitter.