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This Week In Sex: Amber Rose the Bootyful

Instagram/AmberRose

Instagram/AmberRose

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For Amber waves of … dayum!
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited … dayum!
Amber Rose! Amber Rose!
God shed his grace on thee…

This week in an epic battle of natural forces, Amber Rose defeated gravity. She and her curves had this week on lock. First she inspired swimwear manufacturers with these Instagram pics of the world’s best bathing suit.

Instagram/AmberRose

Instagram/AmberRose

Then, later this week, she made some folks real jealous of a SeaDoo when she straddled the machine and rode it according to the motion of the ocean. The scandal-chroniclers at TMZ compared her gravity-defying booty to the Internet-breaking bubble of Kim K, and pointed out that both women have dated Kanye, which means clearly, Yeezus has a type. We’d just like to point out … who wants to think about Kanye at a moment like this? Let’s go back to the pictures!

Instagram/AmberRose

Instagram/AmberRose

This week, in a very different way, exercising the same beauty and power of a woman’s body, actress Caitlin Stasey was in the news for posting naked pics on the Internet. But not like you imagine. She founded a site called Herself.com. It’s an exhibition of the full spectrum of the female form. It’s not women as a sexual objects, but as sexual beings. We’re big fans of the project.

You know what we’re also fans of? Creative political protests, like, this one down in Brazil. This week, women held a half-naked protest to fight for their right to be topless. Yes, Brazilian women rallied for their lawful right to sunbathe topless on the beach.

GettyImages

GettyImages

We love you, Brazil!

In other news of powerful female sexuality, in case you missed it, here’s that new video from The Weeknd that got tongues wagging online about how insanely sexy it is. This Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon is truly a golden goose of sexiness. And it all started as fanfic for Twilight. Go figure.

There’s a little game we like to call: Hey! What’s up with the French?! This week, French people used the violent extremist attacks at Charlie Hebdo as a way to defend a fresco in a hospital that depicts four superheroes gang-raping Wonder Woman … because the mural is a symbol of free speech … oh, France! There is free speech and there is poor taste; you shouldn’t use one to defend the other.

This was a week rife with weird sex news, did you hear about the 70-year old woman who got a vagina facial to please her 30-year old lover? Wait? What? Yes. But it gets better. She got the vagina facial on live tv!

This weekend, in Las Vegas they’re handing out the AVN Awards for best performances of the last year. Turns out the Oscar’s of porn is not without its own Meryl Streep: Carter Cruise is up for 9 awards! She must be one hell of a performer!

But can she handle the world’s most dangerous sexual position? Probably. According to a recent study, it’s woman-on-top. When your girl’s riding cowgirl you face an increased risk of “penile fracture.” Which is just as terrible as it sounds. The study mentions a “popping sound” and “loss of sexual function.” It all sounded horrific, but have no fear, breaking your penis is super rare.

You’ve heard of Bronies, right? Dudes who enjoy My Little Pony cosplay. Even though it looks odd, what they do is not about sex. However, there is a subset called Cloppers and what they do is about sex. Cloppers like to get dressed up and have horse-themed sex. But what about the lonely Clopper? Wouldn’t it be great if someone made like … a blow-up sex doll horse? And one that’s cute? Well, good news, lonely Cloppers! This Chinese business has come to your rescue with a My Little Pony inspired blow-up sex doll. Happy trails to you…

my little pony blow-up sex doll

Then, there’s this dude. He admitted to police that he “engaged in a lewd act” with a stuffed animal in a Walmart in … you’ll never believe this … Florida! That’s right! This horny son of the Sunshine State stuck it in a stuffed animal where the sun don’t shine. Okay, we don’t judge. If you wanna fuck a stuffed horse, giddyup! But come on, man, at least buy it! The dude left it in the store after he climaxed on it. Who wants to purchase your used stuffed sex doll? In his handwritten confession he said, “I did unmentionables to a stuffed animal.” And he added, “I need to think before what I do. I’m extremely sorry.” Yes, you are extremely sorry.

So, down in Florida, dudes are dicking stuffed animals, meanwhile in Japan, dudes aren’t doing any dicking at all, and it’s starting to worry people. It’s like the whole country is in one long spell of dry dick. When asked, 49% of respondents said they hadn’t had sex in the last month! Maybe Japanese tourists need to take trips to Florida, the people down there can’t stop fucking … everything. Maybe it’s something in the water.

You know what also might help inspire Japan? If they made commercials like this one of Charlotte McKinney talking about her love of all-natural meat. Take note, Japan!

That’s all the sexy that’s fit to print for This Week In Sex … keep it sexy!



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