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This Week In Sex: Bey’s Back

This Week In Sex: Bey’s Back:

When we sat down to enjoy our Thanksgiving feast, we knew what we’re thankful for this year: the national celebration of ass. And we have one woman to thank for making booty go mainstream: Queen Bey.

It’s fitting that this week Beyoncé released her video for “Haunted.” We’ve all been talking about Kim K’s cover and Nicki in “Anaconda,” but here comes Bey in lingerie just to remind everyone who started this booty trend. When she shows some ass, it’s like she’s teaching Kim and Nicki a lesson in how to do it real classy … like a queen do.

Our verdict: Goddamn! Don’t hurt ‘em, Bey!

We’re guessing she just sold millions of dollars of lingerie – you’re welcome Victoria’s Secret!

Keeping things bootylicious for a moment, we told you last week network execs at ABC were worried J Lo’s butt might break the AMAs … well, she certainly dropped jaws when she bent that ass on Sunday night. It was so sexy, TMZ declared J Lothe new ass queen. Yes, gurl, you’re still Jenny from the Block. But sorry, boo … in the battle of booties, this week, Bey still beat you. She was number one and you were number two.

Back in the day, Beastie Boys asked an important cultural question in “Professor Booty”:

“Um professor, what’s another word for pirate treasure?”
“Well, I think it’s booty … Booty, booty, that’s what it is.”

The professor is spot-on. Guess who’s late to the treasure hunt but they finally discovered the pleasure of booty? The British!

Not a culture that loves the derriere (instead, they like their men to have curves, like the wives who highly recommend loving a chubby hubby), yet, thanks to the global sway of Kim K’s booty, British women are risking their lives and getting cut-rate butt implants. That’s not how you inflate that bubble. You have to worrrk! Or be #blessed. Right now, it’s ass-archy in the UK!

Speaking of danger-danger, did you bring someone home for Thanksgiving to meet the fam?

Whoa! It’s fine. Everything will be okay – we got your back. Here’s our advice on how to make the holiday weekend go smoother than grandma’s mashed potatoes.

If things get hectic, whip out your phone and show everyone this video of Macaulay Culkin making out with a middle-aged man. That should end any conversations. Hell, it could clear the room.

Also, Jezebel gave readers a Guide to Banging During Your Family Gathering. They offer some terribly handy advice like: how to get a handjob during Thanksgiving dinner, how to finally fuck your high school crush … and, they even address prickly propositions like how to have sex with your cousin (who’s adopted, don’t get it twisted).

Afterwards, if you and your cousin need something to talk about during that long awkward drive back home – we’ve got a conversation starter for you: The Adult Video News Awards nominees have been announced! Have a laugh and pick your favorite title!

Our favorite? The Little Spermaid. What? Mermaids are mythically sexy. And these days, sea sirens are surfacing everywhere in the culture. Model Cara Delevingne just made a sexy underwater appearance in the new trailer for Pan, another fresh take on the tale of the boy who refused to grow-up. But hey, if you can fly and hang out with hot mermaids: who wants to grow-up?

Grown-ups can be super-shitty sometimes! One man who’s been in the news comes to mind. Leave it to Bill Cosby to make an orgy … un-sexy. That’s not easy. This week, rumors surfaced that the Cos offered a journalist info about his love child (his daughter from an affair), as part of a trade to bury press reports of him cavorting in orgies in Las Vegas. A dad snitching on his daughter to cover his ass? Bill, please…

In happier news of someone surviving wreckage, this week, a couple in South America avoided near-death in a car accident. Since they’re Brazilian, and sexy, they immediately embraced and celebrated their life and luck with a passionate kiss. Is there a country that’s sexier than Brazil?

If you’re looking for that special someone to avoid near-death with we have good news … and some bad news. Science just offered new insights into how you can find a love interest.

The good news: it’s not you…

The bad news: it’s them … they may not know you’re interested!

This should be no surprise to anyone who’s spent five minutes in a neighborhood bar, but, apparently, women want sex far more often than men think they do, but women miss the cues of the men they’re interested in because women have trouble determining if a guy is flirting. According to science, women underestimate their appeal about as much as guys overestimate how many women find them sexy. Basically, straight guys think nearly every attractive woman wants them, and straight women think almost no hot dudes want them. You see the trouble. Seems like women need to bust out of the bubble of self-doubt and talk to that cute guy, while guys might want to occasionally wait for the beauty at the bar to give a sign she wants to flirt. And maybe, we’ll all get naked more often.

If you’re sooo bad at flirting that you don’t think you’ll ever find someone to love … maybe you could do what this man did … you could marry a tree. Yes, a tree! We don’t want to know about the wedding night. But the groom presumably knows what he’s doing when it comes to bumping uglies with tree bark – this is the second tree he’s married. Technically, they never divorced. He’s an evergreen bigamist. But, to be fair, the dude’s not kinky, or weird, the guy is … wait for it … an environmentalist. He married the tree so we all stop fucking the environment. Or so, he claims.

Last thing, Britney’s ex, K-Fed, wants you to know those pics of his dick are fake – his magic stick is much bigger. Sure, Kev, sure. Just like someone who saw Bigfoot, guess we’ll have to believe you. Unless, Britney sets the record straight. TMZ, we’re looking at you for this scoop.

And that’s The Week in Sex for this the last week of November. Keep it sexy!

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