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This Week in Sex: No Butt Crack Allowed

This Week in Sex: No Butt Crack Allowed:

This week (like most other weeks) felt like it was all about dat ass. Showing it, teasing it, pleasing it, just acting like one, or losing sleep over it. This week, the booties of J. Lo and Iggy Azeala won the week in sex (again). Their booties actually made TV execs at ABC tremble; they’re worried about what will happen with those booties when they take the stage on Sunday night to perform their hit “Booty” at the American Music Awards. Some ground rules: there will be no butt-rubbing and no visible ass cracks. What’s still allowed? Spanking.

Speaking of uncontrollable booties, recently, Nicki Minaj sat down for a profile in GQ magazine. The boss mc wanted to talk about the next chapter in her career; GQ wanted to talk about her cosmic booty. Guess what they printed: everything you need to know about Nicki’s ass. But even dudes in bike gangs were showing their ass this week. On Sons of Anarchy, a 3-minute montage showing basically every character having sex opened the episode—and pissed off parents.

To compete in the marketplace of booty, you need to train. And if you’re rich, now you can pay a dominatrix to act as physical trainer. The idea of full-body workout just got sexier—and will possibly cause a few extra bruises.

Perhaps Belle Knox would be into that kind of thing. The libertarian, feminist, porn-star activist, Duke college-student, and media rabble-rouser made a strong case for why prostitution should be legal. Perhaps, after porn star she’ll become a lawyer, then she can fuck people for money with her clothes on.

Speaking of getting fucked while fully-dressed, in this video from France, watch an inventor attempt to demonstrate for a TV audience how his mechanical arm works. But unfortunately for him, during the interview, he accidentally taps a button and his arm turns on him, or it tries to turn him on. You can actually see the moment when he thinks: How do I make this robot arm stop jerking me off? I’m on live tv!

I’m sure the inventor would have preferred to wrestle with an easier question like: Should masturbating and driving be legal? This week, Zac Efron and James Franco pondered that one, in a fake interview, for a fake talk-show, promoting Franco’s new film. The question came up in their chat when Efron cops to jerking off 17 times a day and tells Franco he can masturbate with his knees. Our question: What are those tutors teaching Disney kids in those on-set schools?

Wait—that’s right! Big news, this week! Nick Jonas is now “an adult in all ways.” Just like everyone else who loses their virginity, the Jonas brother wants the world to know he finally got his wick wet. (Stars are just like us!) He shared his happy news with gossip-monger Wendy Williams on her daytime TV show.

He told Wendy he didn’t regret his purity ring days, during which he was in a relationship with Miley Cyrus, another Disney star whose made it clear purity’s no longer on trend. This week, Our favorite twerking, tongue-wagging, god-daughter of Dolly Parton starred in a Russian lingerie advertisement for Golden Lady. Shot by Terry Richardson, the video features Miley in skin-tight leggings and a bra, ripping apart an enormous stuffed bear and dancing atop a gold 1976 Chevy Monte Carlo.

Last week, she broke the Internet with her bubble butt, and this week, the shock wave of Kim K’s ass is still making ripples that reach all the way back to her sex tape. Apparently, Ray J counted all the paper he made off the free publicity for their sextape: Kim K Superstar, to which he owns the rights. Typically he earns $90,000 every 90 days. (That’s crazy-a$$ money.) This week, Ray J pocketed an extra $50,000 in sales. The president of Vivid Entertainment, Steve Hirsch, proudly announced that Kim K’s sex tape is now the biggest selling celebrity sex tape of all time … in the history of the world. Amen. Praise Yeezus. Who did she pass to become number one? Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. (Rock is dead.)

The Kim cover memes continue as well. Our favorite recent one: the sea witch Ursula’s voluptuous backside mashed-up wtih Kim K. Coincidentally, it was revealed just in time to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the release of The Little Mermaid. Awww.

If you like underwater sexy beasts, we have two words for you … Michael Phelps. According to Taylor Lianne Chandler, she and the gold medal-winning Olympian enjoyed “amazing sex.” Of course, the press cares far less about the magic Michael Phelps can make with his dick and are far more focused on the fact Lianne was formerly named David Roy Fitch.

In a Facebook post she explains: she was born intersex, having male genitals but no testicles, she also has ovaries and a uterus. The couple met on Tinder. Chandler said, “Spending time with him was like a teenage love affair. I have never felt so comfortable and accepted in every way as I did with him.” Good on ya, Michael. Way to show a lady a good time. It’s nice to see you can do something well besides swim fast, drive drunk and go aqualung on a bong.

We had a few other laughs this week. Based on a highly questionable study, it was announced that women enjoy “more powerful orgasms” if their partner happens to be rich … or funny. In other news, Louis CK and Jerry Seinfeld are now sponsoring scientific studies.

You know how some people say a man in uniform is damn sexy? That’s why some men think their uniform is foreplay and that they can skip right to the next step … show a stranger their penis. Officer Jason Miller has been showing people his penis as a routine part of traffic stops. Sometimes, he’d ask if the passenger was the driver’s boyfriend. So, it seems the dude does have some boundaries.

Elswhere in the criminal justice system, Charles Manson, the notorious cult leader who’s been locked up for decades, is about to marry his 26-year old fiancee next month. Unfortunately for the psycho-killer, prison officials have said the groom will definitely not be allowed to consummate his marriage. They will only allow him to make out with his new wife. Sorry, Charlie. There was no mention of where the couple has a gift registry. But, really, what do you get the man who has a swastika tattoo on his forehead?

In California, a college student was so nervous about exams he decided he’d sneak out to the school’s barn and fuck a sheep. When police arrived they were just as shocked as ewe. Pumping away like a lubed-up oil rig, they found the pantsless man going balls-deep into the sheep. The perp explained that he came to the barn to “wrestle the cows.” No, we have no idea what that means. We don’t think he knows what that means. But think of this … if you’re not looking forward to going home for the holidays … imagine this dude’s Thanksgiving. Yeah. Happy Holidays!

And that’s your Week in Sex for this the third week of November. Keep it sexy.

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