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This Week In Sex: Fifty Shades of Valentine’s Day

This Week In Sex: Fifty Shades of Valentine’s Day:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
We’re feeling kinky
…How about you?

It’s Valentine’s Day weekend, one of the sexiest times on the calendar. This year, it feels like everyone’s got BDSM on the brain thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey sex-jacking the culture. Even frumpy retailers like Target now sell “adult devices.” But someone should tell them not to to sell them next to kids’ toothbrushes. (Oops!) With the friendly folks in the beige pants now hawking vibrators … is America finally ready to admit we’re a little kinky? Let’s hope so!

If you and your boo are looking for some inspiration for this weekend, don’t worry, while everyone else may be selling Fifty Shades of All Grey Errything, we got you covered with 10 Things to Do On Valentine’s Day That Are Sexier Than Fifty Shades of Grey. And this kinky list of 25 Places To Have Sex on Valentine’s Day.

The thing to remember is, as Dakota Johnson and Jimmy Fallon proved this week, anything can be sexy!

Another thing to keep in mind this Valentine’s Day, if you break out the Ben Wa balls to seduce your boo’s booty with some butt play, don’t go hard in the taint (if you know what we mean). Since, the publication of Fifty Shades of Grey the sex biz has seen a jump in sales, and now sells around $1 Billion dollars worth of adult toys each year. Of course, that also means emergency rooms have reported a huge spike in sex toy injuries. The good news is, according to the data, none of the people hurt by sex toys required assistance from the fire department. Also, there have been no fatalities. You know America’s getting sexier when our news reporters must announce there have been no reported deaths by dildo.

Pro tip: being kinky is like spicing your food, you can always add more … so, go slow.

With all this talk of BDSM, we thought you’d like to know there are lots of other kinky fetishes out there. Like, have you ever heard of… ursusagalmatophilia. That’s what you call it when you’re turned on by teddy bears.

As Fifty Shades of Grey has fully revealed, there are all kinds of ways to play when you get naked. And, there are also lots of ways people like to get sexy with their clothes on … like, audio porn, which writer Nona Willis Aronowitz went deep on for Playboy.com this week. What’s audio porn exactly? It has nothing to do with D'Angelo. And, it’s not porn for the blind. Like, it’s not made for Stevie Wonder. Audio porn is sexiness that fits in between your ears. What makes it hot? Just hear us out:

Incest fantasies are far less thorny when you don’t have to worry about visuals…

A video posted by Nona Willis Aronowitz (@theothernwa) on

Wait, is there a word for people who get wildly turned on by Scarlett Johannson? Whatever you call those people … that’s us! She was on the cover of W magazine this week, looking like a one-woman fetish. Mmmm… ScarJo, you are always the sexiest superhero to us!

This week, Azealia Banks got the Internet talking. Surprisingly, it wasn’t because of her mad beef with Igloo Australia. It was because of Azealia’s mad booty. Banks announced she’ll be the Playboy cover girl for April’s music issue, which will feature a nude photo-shoot of her. Now, if you can’t wait that long, we got you covered. Here’s a tease of her sexiest Instagrams.

Did you hear about the teenager who went to the doctor and asked for a penis reduction? No, that’s not the set up for a bad joke. That really happened. In what they’re calling the world’s first penis reduction, surgeons operated on a young man’s football-sized dick because not only could he not have sex, he could barely wear pants. The thing was huge! Which just goes to show, apparently, there can be too much of a good thing.

Speaking of doing good for a stranger’s genitals, did you know there are kind-hearted volunteers out there who help ease the suffering of others … by giving them handjobs? Some unfortunate souls who are physically disabled have trouble reaching full release. That’s where the volunteers come in. (Pardon the pun.) It’s the sexy side of people helping people. But before you get excited… “too drunk to fuck” does not count as disabled. (Sorry.)

Another example of people helping people that caught our attention this week was this curated collection of girls who love to grab their friend’s boobs. Let’s be real, can you blame them? Boobs make hands happy!

In other news of boobs to lift your mood, in order to help you celebrate Valentine’s Day, the boob-twerking girl is back! Of course, she keeps it classy as she bounces her boobs to some Beethoven.

Speaking up for the girls who may not have boobs big enough to twerk, this week, Ariana Grande defended her small breasts and shut down an Internet troll. We’ve always said all boobs are sexy, big, small, and in-between, because real sexiness is about a woman’s attitude far more than her …assets. And Ariana, we like your attitude.

We rarely ever think: man, we sure wish we were Tom Cruise. But this week, we said exactly that when we saw Scientology’s favorite son had a double-date with Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz. That’s way too much sexy for one man to handle. (Hey, Hollywood, that should be the plot of the next Mission Impossible.)

Another impossibly sexy Latina was in the news… butt model, Vida Guerra wants Derek Jeter to know she’s still the hottest girlfriend he ever had. Judging from the pics … we think she makes a damn good case. Her ass has a certain eloquence

Instagram/VidaGuerra

Instagram/VidaGuerra

This week, we interviewed Veronica Vain. If you don’t know her by name, she’s the Wall Street intern who tweeted: “I just left a job on Wall Street for a porn career because I can’t stop masturbating at work and love cumshots.” In a very wise career move she went pro as a porn star. We asked her all about it.

Science keeps trying to find out why we’re attracted to each other. It remains one of the great mysteries of life. Edging ever closer to understanding, there was a new study released this week based on how we express our sexual interest. Researchers broke it down into five categories of how people prefer to flirt: physical, traditional, polite, sincere and playful. If your game needs some help for Valentine’s Day, maybe check your technique.

Okay, what would you do if you saw an 80-year-old woman shoplifting? What if it were a product called “Sexiest Fantasies?” We’d be so busy wondering how she planned to use it, we might not think to stop her. Luckily for CVS, one of their employees doesn’t have our imagination. Instead, the employee followed the octogenarian out of the store and stopped her for stealing the $7.39 bottle of sexy body spray that’s advertised “as addictive and seductive as the woman who wears it.” If you were wondering … no, this didn’t happen in Florida. We know! We’re just as surprised as you are.

And that’s all the sexiness that’s fit to print in This Week in Sex … keep it sexy!



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