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This Week In Sex: Nicki In Lace

This Week In Sex: Nicki In Lace :

Hark the herald, Victoria’s Angels strut,
Glory to the Year of the Butt,
Peace on earth and sexiness, too
May next year, you … do as Leo do

This weekend we saw Nicki Minaj pumping up the hype machine in anticipation of her new album, The Pinkprint, what you might call her answer to Jay Z’s The Blueprint. On Saturday she performed two tracks on SNL. We’ve been suffering ass-id flashbacks ever since. On “All Things Go,” Her Minajesty rhymed hard as ever, and contained her dangerous curves within the subtle sexiness of a racy, lacey, one-piece outfit that left little to the imagination. Our response: Dayum, gurl!

In related news, Kim K got her feelings hurt by Nicki’s impression of her on SNL It’s been a very sensitive week for Ms. West (even after she kicked it off by declaring the Paper magazine event in her honor “the best dinner party at Art Basel”).

This week, she also told the press that she thought God was trying to smite her with pregnancy weight because she’s “so hot.” Either, Kim K doesn’t know what smite means, or the Supreme Deity isn’t trying hard enough. But there were also reports this week of an artist who used his flaccid penis to paint his version of Kim K’s Paper cover. Maybe God’s smiting her with kindness, baby weight, and flaccid penises. Those would be mysterious ways.

This week also reminded us that it’s good to be the King …of the World! Over the weekend, there were reports from Art Basel, down in always sexy Miami, that Leonardo DiCaprio left a party with twenty women. Yes, he took twenty women home. The news that he’d started his own harem was a particular surprise to one person: Leo’s 22-year-old German model girlfriend. They’d been together for a year and a half. She’s since decided she’ll look elsewhere for love.

Speaking of looking elsewhere for love, this week, a star from MTV’s dating competition, Are You The One, started selling molds of her vagina. And just in time for Christmas! In fact, there were a lot of interesting Christmas gifts in the news this week. Such as the Lego Strip Club. That’s right! It’s a tawdry adult destination you build with your favorite imaginative children’s toy (although, we should point out that the company selling the $275 set is not officially affiliated with Lego).

Another great gift for the holidays: pick up some of that new female Viagra that’s being called pot for your pussy. According to the makers of this new wonder sex drug, it’s an “all natural sensual enhancement oil thoughtfully designed for women.” It’s called Foria. We’re guessing, in places like California and Colorado, you just ask for it by name wherever one purchases their pot. How well does this thoughtfully designed pussy oil work? Only one way to find out.

We’ve got some holiday cheer to also get you in the mood. Do you recall Sara X, the boob-twerker who made her boobies bounce to Mozart? Well, Sara X is back to bounce her beautiful breasts to the holiday classic: Jingle Bells. You really need to see how well she can jingle those bells. It’s pretty incredible … and yes, it’s sexier than silk sheets.

Fun fact: 85% of women wear the wrong size bra. But there’s good news! Designers have invented a Bionic bra that changes shape to support a woman’s breasts. A hundred years since the invention of the bra, and we may have finally invented a bra that treats a boob right. But they may need a new name; Bionic bra sounds about as sexy as nanotechnology. Meanwhile, America just turned down a Norwegian company’s patent application for a new undergarment for men. It’s called Comfy Balls. It’s like a Cadillac and a codpiece were mashed-up as a pair of boxers. But, American bureaucrats ruled that the Norwegian underwear with an enormous bulge was too vulgar for the US market.

In other news of poor taste, this week, a theater in Edinburgh, Scotland got in trouble with the law after they mistakenly sent porn DVDs to schoolchildren. Whoops! And an American man ran afoul of the law when he was discovered fully naked, outdoors, masturbating. After he was apprehended he told authorities that he had to jerk off outside because… his mother wouldn’t let him watch porn indoors. As Merle Haggard once sang, “Mama tried…” Family struggles over sexual habits and lifestyles can often turn ugly. Take for instance, these twin sisters who got into a fist-fight over a vibrator … and the boyfriend that lives with them. This all sounds like a very sexy Lifetime movie.

In sweeter-sounding news, this week, E! asked a very pertinent question: Does Nick Jonas have sex to his own music? The answer may surprise you. You want another surprise? Did you hear? Ariana Grande loves “big black balls.” Actually, come to think of it, (cough) Big Sean (cough) that’s not surprising at all. After being hit in the head by an angel wing, she confessed to Ed Sheeran her love of big black balls. They were on stage at the time, during the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show. The look on his face … priceless.

In other news of people who get hit in the head at work, some football players don’t fully get how Twitter works, like, how it’s a public forum. Of course, some are hilarious, like Darnell Dockett who live-tweeted ordering a pizza during his jury duty. And then there’s Russell Wilson who favs porn pics on Twitter that mention him by name. Psst, we can see you, Russell. But, really, what’s the big deal? It would be worth talking about if he went real baller like Wiz Khalifa and made a sex tape with a Playboy bunny. Now, that would be big news!

You want another video that’s big news … there’s a never-before-seen video of Kate Upton stress-testing a bikini for a photo-shoot on the beach. Take your time. We’ll wait.

In slightly less sexy news, meet Nikki Silver, she’s the queen of hairy feminist porn. For those of you who don’t go to Burning Man, hairy feminist porn is erotica-style videos that feature unshaven women in femi-centric or queer sex scenes, and often there’s no male present. What? That not your thing? Okay, well, just know, there are a lot of folks out there looking to change the porn industry in all sorts of new directions. Like, this porn director who’s crowd-sourcing ideas for her new films. Let’s hope porn films start crowd-sourcing better dialog.

In reality television, a new show was announced this week, and it’s a peach. The show will follow a pastor as he attempts to talk prostitutes out of being sex workers. He has eight minutes to convince them. Why eight minutes? We don’t know. But we do know the show is based on this LA Times story about freeing women from human trafficking. The show seems legit and not just a way to turn a buck shaming sex workers for laughs. Good luck, Pastor.

In the news this week, there were two stories of strange and interesting threesomes. First, there were published photos of Miley smoking a joint with Wayne Coyne from the Flaming Lips, at seven-thirty in the morning, out on a hotel balcony. She was wrapped in an over-sized bathrobe. Everyone on the balcony was rocking squinty eyes and sex hair, including a second long-haired creepy older dude … you know, just to keep things strange. Maybe we don’t want to know what happened prior to the wake-and-bake on the balcony.

Miley Cyrus smoking joint with Wayne Coyne

via TheDailyMail
photo by Fred/Coleman-Rayner

What we want to know more about is this new Bond film. So far, two Bond girls have been named. One is fifty-year-old Monica Bellucci, who still looks hotter than the Sahara. The other is a rising young star, Lea Seydoux. Interestingly, the two women who are involved in a love triangle with James Bond onscreen may be involved in a real life love triangle offscreen, too. According to reports, Monica Belluci divorced her husband of 14 years, Victor Cassel, while he was was filming very, very sexy scenes with Seydoux for their new version of Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, this one ain’t a bunch of Disney cartoons. Seydoux is a true Beauty … and this Beast is played by a smoldering Frenchman. As rumors persist there was a possible on-set romance, we hope all these sexy Europeans can work out their sexy differences. Otherwise, it could get awkward when they get together and twist bed sheets with James Bond.

For now, that’s all the sexy that’s fit to print in… This Week In Sex for the second week of December. Keep it sexy!

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