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This Week In Sex: The Bachelor and the Bunny

This Week In Sex: The Bachelor and the Bunny:

Wait, wait, wait … what! Hold the fucking phone! What do you mean, The Bachelor doesn’t want to date a Playboy model? Guess that says everything you need to know about that show. But, hey… why make fun of The Bachelor? That’s too easy. That’s like tripping a blind guy.

This week, a lot of people found it very interesting when the bachelor said goodbye to contestant Jade Elizabeth Roper … after they shared a date in her hometown, and coincidentally, after she opened up to him about how she once modeled for Playboy. For some people (like old church organists), to appear in Playboy is still … clutches pearlsscandalous! The gentlemanly thing for us to do is to rise above it. That’s why we wish this bachelor Chris Soulless heaps of luck with …puts finger to imaginary ear-piece … Um, we’re being told the bachelor’s name is actually Chris Soules. Not Soul…less. Sorry about that, bro. People must make that mistake often. The important thing to say about all this: Jade Elizabeth, dry your eyes, gurl … he doesn’t deserve you.

Okay! Fifty Shades of Grey is out in theaters, making money like a mint, and it even inspired Jessica Simpson to get half-naked and kinky. What we want to know is: who wants to hear from a pro dom? Meet Hudsy Hawn. In our interview, she discusses real BDSM, and drops conversational pearls like, “I always say …I’m my own dom.”

If you want another fascinating first-person account of life as a sex worker… how about a prostitute who hires a gigolo. Apparently, women do pay for sex. Not a lot show up looking to get laid, but just enough show that a gigolo can stay pro. (Which is also the Cleveland Indians approach to running a baseball team.)

(photo: Mara Sofferin)

(photo: Mara Sofferin)

Tuesday was Mardi Gras … or Fat Tuesday, if you prefer your holidays in English. It marks the final day before certain souls give up pleasure for Lent. In the tropics, they often call the countdown Carnival. In 2013, Rihanna almost broke Carnival in Barbados with her half-naked mind-fuck of an outfit. Well, this year, Amber Rose made waves when she bounced her bubble butt down to Trinidad to party in this barely-there bikini. She posted pics on her Insta, saying,“Back to me killin the gram.” Gurl, you killed the gram so dead they need to bury that shit twelve-feet deep.

Speaking of Miss Rose …man, some days, we’d hate to be Yeezus. This week, his ex, Amber Rose, threw family-sized shade at the whole Kardashian Klan for how they’re raising Kylie. Never one to let a dog sleep, Khloe responded by slut-shaming Amber for judging anyone since, you know, she’s a former stripper. Then, Amber took off her heels and taught Khloe how to clapback. After that, we kinda hope Kanye pulled Khloe to the side, and gave her some Chicago advice, like, “Look, baby gurl, don’t go hard at a stripper on social media, that’s like asking a boxer to step outside.” Our verdict: Amber won this round.

#SocaVibes 👅

A video posted by Amber Rose (@amberrose) on

Duu… did you see our favorite semi-pro stripper is back at it again? This week, former OSU student, Kendra Sunderland (who has a perfect porn name) posted full nudes to her Twitter followers as part of her apparently ongoing online strip tease. At one point, drunk on her fame, Sunderland tweeted,“How do I have more followers than Panda Express?” Um, Kendra, we know you don’t like to use libraries, or read books, but we can help you figure this one out. Hint: no one gives a shit if Panda Express tweets full nudes of Orange Chicken.

kendra-sunderland-main

If you had to guess, what word do you think porn stars say the most when they fuck? Yep. No surprise, it’s … fuck. They love to say it, to do it, to say it while they do it, that is, unless, they’re French. As you will learn from the link, Francophones say “putain.” Which means fuck, but it sounds like “poo-taan.” Hey, look at that! You just learned how to say fuck in French. It’s kinda like the two-pump chump said to his date, “I bet you didn’t see that coming.”

Have you ever wondered: Why does Ashton Kutcher take an enormous prosthetic penis with him everywhere he goes? If you have, you’re in luck. Watch this video… he explains it all. He uses a rationale that makes perfect sense to us, “Who knows when you’ll want to have a prosthetic penis around… so I kept it.” Aw, Mila must love your … spontaneity.

Remember the three-breasted woman who went viral online last year? Well, she’s back! And she insists her three breasts are 100% real. As experts in the field of breasts, we’d say her three boobs look as real … as Bigfoot’s sex tape.

When it comes to really real, most of the time, it’s not hard to tell. Exhibit A: Caitlin Rice’s beautiful butt. While we’re talking about dat ass … it’s important to occasionally look back and appreciate how sexy butts were back in the day. (It’s like dayum, grandmas, you looking gilf as a mofo.)

Throwbak booty

How did you spend your Valentine’s Day? Did you have a good time? Did you have a sexy, good time? Did you have a sexy, good time in the press box of the University of Tennessee football stadium? Then you must be this couple … and we tip our bunny ears to you. ICYMI, for Valentine’s Day, a couple broke into the UT football stadium had sex and shared it on Snapchat. Cause, you know, sometimes that much sexy just needs to be shared with commuters.

Speaking of sharing sexiness… are you a fan of underbutt? It’s like side boob for the booty-obsessed. We’re big fans. We’re also big fans of how this woman sells video games.

Now, this may be a tough decision: who’s the hottest porn star working today? Have someone in mind? Okay! Good! Now click here and see where she rates on our list.

Instagram/MiaKhalifa1

Instagram/MiaKhalifa1

We hate to laugh at this story but… on Valentine’s Day, a woman contacted the police, reporting that a knife-wielding Latino man broke into her place, sexually assaulted her, stabbed her in the vagina, and fled. That’s not the funny part. The police immediately searched her neighborhood. Meanwhile, at her hospital interview, police noticed inconsistencies in her story. It changed. Next, she told the police it wasn’t a Latino man, instead, she claimed she was assaulted by an African-American … her friend, Phil. But then, that also turned out to be a lie. No one assaulted her. We can only imagine her confession:

Woman: Okay, yes. I lied to you. He wasn’t a Latino. To be honest, officers… I was assaulted by my African-American friend … Phil.
Police: You’re telling us you were attacked by your black friend … Phil?
Woman: Yes, my black friend… Phil.
Police: Ma’am…
Woman: What?! You don’t think I have a black friend?
Police: Ma’am. No one has a black friend …named Phil. There’s just Uncle Phil on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. But he’s not real…
Woman: Okay! Fine! You’re right! It’s all lies… I don’t have a black friend … named Phil.

Setting aside the fact she lied about a sex crime, and blamed it on a Latino man and/or a black man named Phil, the sad part is, this woman stabbed herself in the vagina on Valentine’s Day. Let’s hope she finds the help she clearly needs and that someone explains to her how to use a dildo.

Now, we both know, when it comes to really gettin’ freaky, no one does it like a Floridian… this week, a young woman with the sort of rap sheet you can be proud of in county holding, decided that fuck it, she was too hot for clothing. So, she stripped naked and then, walked out into traffic. When a driver of a Lexus slammed on the brakes, she engaged in a “lewd act,” then hopped up on the hood of the car, and gave the Lexus a lap dance. Oh, Florida… don’t ever change. You’re like what would happen if a state was sponsored by AXE body spray.

And that’s all the sexiness that’s fit to print in This Week In Sexkeep it sexy!



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