In the mood for some laughs? Here’s the best tweets from the past week. If you like these, be sure to follow them and then you can find some laughs every single day.
Oh r u still using handheld beans? pic.twitter.com/Fq5He2iCYD— Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) January 4, 2015
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.— vineyille (@vineyille) January 4, 2015
“WorldStar,” I whisper as I close my eyes for the last time and slip into infinity.— zach (@somelightcrying) January 6, 2015
Unlock breakfast doors that never should have been opened. pic.twitter.com/AtfWTVV6Tn— CalmTomb (@CalmTomb) January 5, 2015
proudly announcing to the barber shop that i got through my entire haircut without screaming or touching my dick underneath the smock— wint (@dril) January 6, 2015
[hiding in pantry from murderer]— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) January 8, 2015
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
The first rule of Existential Club is.— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) January 8, 2015
Please. My wife. She’s very sick. pic.twitter.com/QGKgSSbXa5— lanyard 👩🏻🚀 (@lanyardigan) January 3, 2015
get a real selfie stick they’re called friends— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) January 8, 2015
Judas: still on for Friday?— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 5, 2015
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
[knocking at the door]— Joe West (@joejwest) January 7, 2015
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Pinot:— albro (@bromanconsul) January 5, 2015
[holds up wineglass]
[holds up wineglass in trenchcoat. It was a rainy night. the kind of night that asks a man who he is
[on a date]— lawblob (@lawblob) January 8, 2015
Me: actually the soldier’s name is master chief, halo is a location in the game
[i see her swipe right on her phone screen 50x]
Hello car salesman, I would like to buy a van I am going to steal a bear from the zoo I mean I have a lot of kids lol not the bear thing— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) January 7, 2015
Eric is a comedy writer based in Michigan. Follow @dubstep4dads on Twitter.