In the mood for some laughs? Here’s the best tweets from the past week. If you like these, be sure to follow them and then you can find some laughs every single day.
This weekend the Patriots defeated the Colts in the AFC championship game by a score of 45-7 (38-14 adjusted for inflation)— dan mentos (@DanMentos) January 21, 2015
Sorry I yelled “WORK THE BALLS,” when they were giving your Grandpa CPR.— ibid (@ibid78) January 16, 2015
Took a quiz to find out which Jurassic Park character I am and the result was “loudly bleating doomed goat”— Jakob Huber (@jakob_huber) January 14, 2015
where did i get this shirt? same place i get all my shirts. i challenged a guy to a fight& when he took off his shirt i put it on & ran away— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) January 15, 2015
*stops fly fishing & turns to camera*— Glenn Loury 2.0 (@justabloodygame) January 17, 2015
“When I first realized I was trapped in the hellish world of commercials, I had a lot of questions.”
[Speech Therapy]— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 14, 2015
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
(running to catch train)— Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) January 19, 2015
Oh God please don’t leave without me!
(sits down on train for one nanosecond)
Why the fuck isn’t this train moving?
If I were an owl, I’d be a cool owl. I’d fly and snatch up mice, but not to eat them. Just to give them a cool little ride in the air.— blizzard dimension🌪 (@YWIR) January 18, 2015
*I pull girls hair during sex*— 30 and feeling great (@sad_tree) January 21, 2015
Girl: oh I like that
*I roll on girls hair while cuddling after sex*
Girl: Get off me u fucken piece of shit
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) January 17, 2015
[On a date at a restaurant]— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) January 19, 2015
“Excuse me what kinda discount we looking at if we clear the table ourselves?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) January 19, 2015
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Just reached high score on my calorie app!— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) January 22, 2015
Why did I bring that branch to school? :( pic.twitter.com/nFwPF1R2L7— denise (@Stellacopter) January 18, 2015
*grabs grocery store intercom*— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) January 21, 2015
MARGE SIMPSON IS TOO ATTRACTIVE FOR HOMER AND [struggling noises] DON’T TOUCH ME, AND IT’S UNREALISTIC
Eric is a comedy writer based in Michigan. Follow @dubstep4dads on Twitter.