In the mood for some laughs? Here’s the best tweets from the past week. If you like these, be sure to follow them and then you can find some laughs every single day.
*sees GF on phone while were doing sex*— Hoppers (@FrogAvalanche) January 31, 2015
Me: What u doing?!
GF: Candy Crush. Level 413 is rly hard.
Me: [pausing The Muppet Movie] Show me.
“That’ll be $19.94.”— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) February 1, 2015
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I HAD— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 31, 2015
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE pic.twitter.com/POeUOOrOX3
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!— Link In My Bio (@aka_fatman) February 3, 2015
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit— Licensed Esthetician (@SortaBad) February 4, 2015
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
*emailing my Kickstarter contributors* I regret to say that putting a gallon of blood in a SodaStream was not the success that I had hoped.— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) January 30, 2015
[Principal’s office]— pharmaCODYnamics (@RxitWounds) February 2, 2015
“You called someone a "turdburgler”? *peers over glasses* Thats a 2nd grade level insult. You’ll be skipping 1st grade"
*only gets to ask the almighty Oracle one question*— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) February 5, 2015
Yo man is it Pet Smart or Pets Mart
I was trying to watch the NFL’s domestic violence ad, but my wife wouldn’t shut the fuck up.— Mike Scully (@scullymike) February 2, 2015
You don’t need candy to get my kids to climb into your van. They love vans, climbing into stuff, that whole vibe.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) January 28, 2015
“hey. are you mad at me?” - good thing to say to a stranger in the bathroom stall next to you— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) January 30, 2015
*pauses during sex* Why did you unfollow me?— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) February 1, 2015
ROMEO: But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun— Hippo (@InternetHippo) January 30, 2015
JULIET: *Read 12:03 AM*
like this if youre one of the 3% of teens who remembers when music was just guys saying “my name is kid rock” over and over— wint (@dril) February 4, 2015
Eric is a comedy writer based in Michigan. Follow @dubstep4dads on Twitter.