Friday is finally here, and before you fling yourself across the chasm of the weekend into the cliff face of next week, you deserve some laughs. That’s why, every week, we compile 15 of the week’s funniest and weirdest tweets. If you like them, make sure and follow the characters who wrote them so you can find something to laugh at each every day.
The new, bagless, Dyson soul harvester pic.twitter.com/KoA2XRn9EF— Persian Rose (@PersianRose1) February 5, 2017
depression is a lot like the classic arcade game “pacman”. you cant beat it, you just have to take pills and keep going until you die— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) February 7, 2017
Saw a painting of you and your new girlfriend. pic.twitter.com/nEZCaVfaQA— Marin (@marinhubka) February 8, 2017
OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!— Johnny Crappleseed (@Karate_Horse) February 6, 2017
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person
u know that girl u turned down in middle school? ya she’s a brand ambassador for detox tea on instagram how fuvkin stupid do u feel now— Michaela Okland (@MichaelaOkland) February 8, 2017
Just saw DVR’d Super Bowl— Adam McKay (@GhostPanther) February 6, 2017
Shut off early, but who cares!
With $ I won can finally get my 3 yr old new lungs.
Thank u God.
the bachelor: so what is your perfect date idea— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 7, 2017
me: walgreens, next question. actually no more questions. take me to walgreens, bitch
cashier: how are u— gary from teen mom (@garyfromteenmom) February 8, 2017
me, buying pepsi and mentos: not so great Sharon
Ask not what your country can do for you— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) February 8, 2017
Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.
My daughter Ivanka has been treated so unfairly by Nordstrom
Knuckle tats: F A K E N E W S— Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) February 8, 2017
Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you pic.twitter.com/qCoF30eEWK— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) February 7, 2017
Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him and he’s the light of the world, I do it and I’m “making Thanksgiving awkward.”— Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) February 7, 2017
Sending with confetti probably wasnt the right move… pic.twitter.com/niAyn86Y0o— woke dad (@GALDYTRON) February 3, 2017
well I’m never using tinder again pic.twitter.com/Sj0tUknUGq— weird honey (@hxelprincess) February 4, 2017
Go on Facebook and ask, “Best restaurants in NYC?”. Wait a few days. Let the comments pile up. Then check into Red Lobster in Times Square.— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) February 7, 2017